


A beautiful lie

by Marium



Series: Unfulfilled desire [2]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Amnesiac Rick, M/M, Manipulative Negan, Negan is his violent self, Negan makes bad decisions, Negan really is a bastard, Rick's technically consenting but he lacks basically all the information so, Soft Rick, but y'know hella problematic too, dub-con, sugary sweetness with a side of cyanide, their relationship itself is actually quite sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2018-10-28 05:38:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10824894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marium/pseuds/Marium
Summary: Rick’s eyes when he looks up at Negan are a white space, not full of hate but ready to be filled with any emotion Negan feeds him. He knows it’s wrong, very wrong, and that there are so many ways for it to end up badly.And yet he takes advantage. Of course he does.





	1. Chapter 1

Negan supposes it was his fault. Actually, everything gone wrong for Rick ever since Negan came into his life, fucking shit up left and right, can be considered his fault one way or another. He had known that the chance of something going wrong sooner or later was far too high, and while he thinks that it could've happened at any other point without it having anything to do with him, in that particular moment the reason was him.

The Saviors' relationship with the other communities had changed for the better by that point, become far friendlier and less murderous. Negan didn't demand nearly as much as he used to, what he did demand was within actual reasonability, and they began offering some shit in exchange too. Of course, that didn't change the fact that Negan was Mister You-belong-to-me-I-dare-you-to-argue, the guy everyone had to obey because that's how things were, and you listen or else. He still had no need to get his own hands dirty, no need to work for anything himself.

That didn't stop him from gleefully claiming – imposing – that he was Rick's new run partner. A glare and a cold, menacing smirk was enough to keep any goddamn questions inside Rick's pretty, tempting mouth.

Rick didn't want to kill him anymore – and to this day, to the best of Negan's knowledge, no one else does either – but that didn't mean he had any sort of appreciation for Negan. Oh, Rick still looked at him with that controlled angry stare, all but begging for Negan to rile him up with his off-the-line comments and get a good laugh at his expense.

But the kick he still was able to get out of being a little shit to Rick wasn’t the reason for which Negan kept dragging him off his ass and into these little post-apocalyptic enemy-dates. Not that Negan didn’t enjoy that look of frustrated fury, far from it, but the real reason was quite different. Only in his own head, and only after a long time, he could admit that it boiled down to wanting to be with Rick. He, badass, awesome, cool Negan, was going out of his way because he wanted to spend some time with a guy who hated his guts.

If the Negan from a year before could see it, he’d surely kick himself in the balls.

There was no point in denying it, Negan had feelings for Rick; he’d had to begrudgingly accept that a long time ago, when trying to explain the myriad of feelings he got when looking at Rick as anything else wasn’t just stupid but inconvenient. Getting angry at himself because any other explanation wasn’t convincing enough meant losing control of himself, and Negan wasn’t going to allow that. The realization had come with a loud ‘fuck’ that had half the Sanctuary anxious about what had him angry, but Negan kept it to himself. No one, and least of all Rick, needed to know just yet.

Negan couldn’t have standed that one more insult to his already wounded pride. He was pathetically aware of how much he’d sneer at any other man who willingly put himself in a situation in which all he got was to experience first hand how much it sucked to get so much fucking disdain from the guy he had a heart-boner for.

Not that it was all bad in these runs. Negan might have become a pathetic, masochistic, sad fuck, but that fuck wasn’t dumb enough to keep going at it if all he got was reasons to weep into his pillow like an angsty teen. He almost made himself gag, but his heart fluttered every time one of his crude jokes managed to crack through the painful dryness in Rick’s face and put a much more beautiful smile there, and for a few minutes afterwards, Negan was willing to bet there were hints of fondness in Rick’s eyes and lips before surliness took over again.

Every time it happened, the fondness lingered a little more. Every time they met for going out, Rick was a bit more relaxed and the hostility a little less intense, too. Negan was convinced of it.

Just like he was convinced that if he just kept pressing, Rick’s hate for him would vanish as if it had never been there to begin with.

Negan wanted that hate to go and Rick to let him be close. He needed to. That was why kept insisting on going out, why he refused to go back on schedule, look around just one more day, Rick, who knows what we might find, maybe even your sense of humor. Negan guesses that if he hadn’t been so fixed on making their alone time last as long as possible, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

There was danger whenever they went out, kinda came with the whole end of the world deal. But Negan knew himself to be the shit and so was Rick, so maybe he got his attention a little too much on his antics and a tad too little on his surroundings. In his defense he’ll say that at the moment Rick wasn’t too sharp either. Things could go wrong, and fucking wrong they did go.

Negan doesn’t remember too many details now, the memory fogged by a haze of panic and violence. All that he knows is that by the end, he had been loudly cursing as he laid his eyes on an unconscious Rick, lying on the floor and with far too much blood pooling under his head. He remembers that moment clear as fire burning into his skin, fear and denial rushing through his mind before they became another panicked haze. He has vague memories of attempting to shake Rick awake, getting Rick into the car as gently as he could while running, talking loudly to him in the faint hope it’d do something for him, and menacing doctor Carson with death if he didn’t patch Rick up.

Severe concussion and blood loss, he had finally said. Not dead, but that could change any moment, and with the equipment at the Sanctuary, the best he could do was keep him stable until Rick either passed on or woke up. All Negan could do was wait, trying to hold back the desire to murder someone and get all his rage and fear out instead of letting it fester inside.

He had allowed himself to care and now he might lose Rick. He didn’t know what it would do to him if it happened.

Negan didn’t tell Carl, or Michonne, or anyone in Alexandria. He knew that the chance of Rick waking up was too damn slim to give them a hope that might end in just more pain. He took the decision to let them think that Rick was dead and hope that he had the chance to tell them it was a lie. Thankfully, they were on good enough terms for them to believe him when he spoke, and when he said that Rick’s body was lost. He felt himself break inside when Carl broke into tears, and hated himself when Michonne, who knew Negan cared about Rick much more than he allowed anyone to see, managed to offer him some sympathy before rushing inside and cry her own tears. The bitter taste left on Negan’s mouth almost led him to tell them that there was a hope, but he pushed it down. That was his first mistake.

 

It’s been almost two months since then, and Negan’s breath hitches when the guy the doctor has sent to him says that Rick’s showing signs of being close to consciousness.

His mouth is dry and his heart beats hard inside his chest, but he stays composed enough as he tells Simon to fuck off and bother him with business matters at some other point. Simon understands and says it’s OK, but Negan’s already halfway out the room, shoving anyone who gets in front of him out of his way. He all but sprints to the infirmary, takes a deep breath in front of the door, and then he comes in.

Rick’s sitting on the bed, being checked on by the doctor and looking still half-asleep and confused. The moment Negan walks in, his eyes dart up to him, and _god, Rick, you have some beautiful blue eyes_. Seeing them after fearing that he might never get to again makes Negan realize just how strikingly gorgeous they are, and a small, warm, actually genuine smile settles on his lips as relief fills him up. He exchanges looks with Rick for a second, and then, on a whim, he’s walking up to him, glaring at doctor Carson to shut him up when he complains, and wrapping his arms around Rick to lift him up. Negan laughs heartily, high on giddiness, and he only laughs louder when Rick’s hands fly to his shoulder in a pointless effort to keep himself steady. Putting him back on the bed, Negan bends down to look him in the eye and chuckles.

“Fuck, Rick. I missed the hell out of you.”

Negan doesn’t expect a smile from Rick, but squinted eyes and a few slow blinks aren’t what he expects, either. His smile falters briefly when Rick inspects his face carefully, lips half-parted and tongue poking out to wet them. In the long moments between Negan’s greeting and Rick’s reply, the older man can’t help but think about Carson’s warning that if Rick did wake up, he might come with brain damage.

“E- Excuse me?”

“C’mon, Ricky-boy. I know we aren’t best buddies just yet, but damn, I’m glad as all hell to see you awake. Is it that shocking?”

“No, that’s not it” Rick replies, shaking his head gently. His curls flop around lightly. “It’s more… Do I know you?”

Now Negan is the one blinking in confusion. His grin slowly gives way to a puzzled look and he backs away a few steps, crossing his arms and tilting his forehead.

“Fuck yes you do. Couple years now. Saviors, Lucille, ring a bell? I know you just woke up, but I know I made a hell of a strong impression.”

Rick hesitates and then shakes his head. “What’s your name?”

“You’re shitting me” Negan mutters under his breath after a few tense beats pass. His incredulous look goes from an utterly lost Rick to doctor Carson, who is covering his mouth with his hand. “Memory loss? Is this for real?”

“Well, yes” Carson replies, as if Negan was dumb enough to think this was just a prank he and Rick had planned before he arrived. “He had a very strong concussion, so it’s not that strange that this happened. Of all the things that could’ve come from it, this is relatively minor. Of course, I’ll have to check on him frequently to make sure there are no more lingering effects.”

“Fucking incredible” Negan whispers shifting his attention back to Rick, who looks so very lost, wide-eyed and looking up at Negan as what he hears sinks in. “Get out, doc. Leave us alone.”

“I don’t think-”

“I said the fuck out” Negan snaps without taking his eyes off him. A moment later Carson apologizes and Negan hears the door opening and closing again, leaving him alone with Rick. The man flinched when he heard Negan grunt his order, so Negan makes an effort to keep his attitude closer to the gentle side.

He clears his throat and pulls a chair in front of Rick, its back to him, and sits down on it open-legged. He has his arms crossed and his chin resting on top of them, and his eyes are fixed on Rick’s, which are wary but unwavering.

“What’s the last thing you remember, Rick?”

“I, huh… Let me think. I… I was on duty, yes. Me and my partner, Shane, we got a call and then there was a shooting. I got hit on the shoulder. Is this the hospital?”

Rick looks around the room, brows furrowed as if trying to figure out why it looks so unlike any other hospital. A tense, thick silence stretches out between the two of them.

“Well, shit” Negan finally mutters, running a hand through his mouth as he stares wide-eyed at a perplex Rick. He’s heard that story, coaxed it out of Rick a long time ago when first dealing with his need to know all about the man, before his feelings took shape. At the moment, he’d cracked a cruel joke about how good it must have felt to wake up to no job and no mortgage, but now, having Rick in basically the same situation, it fully sinks into Negan what it means. “You don’t know about the damn apocalypse.”

Rick perks up at that and his brow furrows in confusion. “Apocalypse? Excuse me, sir, what’s all of this about?”

Negan laughs, a bit of stress hidden under it, and passes his hand through his hair only to end up on his mouth again. He has to explain it to Rick, but he doesn’t have the first goddamn idea how. It’s been so long that this is what the world is now to those living on it, but Rick’s just woken up thinking that the world still functions as it used to, with an unified civilization and the dead staying in their coffins. He sighs and proceeds to explain to the best of his ability while trying not to freak Rick out. He watches Rick’s face gradually go from confusion, to amusement, irritation, anger, and finally fear. It’s clear he thinks Negan’s batshit insane by the end of it, and the man sighs in frustration.

“C’mere” he says as he stands up and motions for Rick to do the same. “You’re strong to walk on your own like the big ass boy you are or do I have to carry you like a princess?”

Rick grunts and stands up on his own, although he does almost fall to the floor. Negan is quick to reach for him and helps him steady himself - and if he touches a bit too close to Rick’s butt, well the man isn’t paying too much attention at the moment. Rick looks longingly at the door, telling Negan that he had planned to do a run for it, but now that he’s seen he can’t make it and that he’s in Negan’s arms, he has no choice but to let the man carry him to the window.

“Look at that and tell me I’m nuts.” Negan points to the fence, visible from their position, where there are walkers hanging and growling. He opens the window, letting their sounds come into the room, and Rick’s eyes widen as for a minute he takes in what he sees, and soon he’s shaking his head in disbelief. As if to illustrate Negan’s point, one of the walkers decides it doesn’t need the lower half of its body anymore, which for good or for bad falls to the ground with a sick noise while the upper one keeps growing and reaching. The good news is that Rick apparently believes Negan now; the bad ones, that he looks green and about to throw up.

Negan closes the window before that can happen and helps Rick, now weak with something more than just unused muscles, back to the bed. He stands beside him as Rick falls down on it, eyes wide and horrified. He allows him his time to deal with the shit he’s just seen. Rick seems about to ask something a few times, but he always closes his mouth before doing so, and Negan supposes he’s reconciling what he’s seen with what Negan told him earlier. In the end, when he looks at Negan, the shaking is gone and his eyes are stronger than Negan would have expected.

“Where are we? And who are you?”

The answers to those two questions are easy, very easy, but something stops Negan from answering right away. It’s been rolling around in the back of his mind from the very moment he realized Rick didn’t know anything about this new world, and it’d be easy, so very easy. It’s wrong too, but Negan’s used to make easy and best the same in his mind. He hesitates, though, because there are so many ways this could go wrong he doesn’t believe it’ll last more than a week.

He takes in Rick’s eyes, that look up at him strong but blankly, devoid of the resentment they used to be full of, and the temptation’s far too much for him to resist. He’s been trying to do better, but fuck it all. A smirk settles on his face.

“This place is the Sanctuary, our home. And me? Shit, Rick, I’m your husband Negan. Have been for more than a year.”

The sheer shock is more than plainly evident on Rick’s face, and the way his eyes widen is borderline comical. Negan almost chuckles softly to himself before he remembers that right, he ain’t a guy who’s about to get his crush in his arms, he’s a concerned man whose husband is going through severe shock and doesn’t remember him. Laughing now would be introducing himself as Mister Asshole all over again.

Rick’s mouth opens and closes a few times. “What… What do you mean?”

“Well, Rick, husband is the word you use when you see a guy and think, ‘hey, that really hot fucker-”

“Where’s Lori?” Rick interrupts, cutting and urgent. Negan stops cold and gives him a sad look that Rick doesn’t register. “And Carl? Where the hell is my son? Where are them?”

“Rick, I…” Negan hesitates, because he knows what’s about to come and that it’s going to hurt Rick. The thought makes his chest clench and ache, but he pushes through it. “Lots of people have died since all of this started. They… Shit, Rick, they didn’t make it. I’m sorry.”

Suddenly, it’s like everything’s slow motion. Rick freezes for a few seconds, and then he blinks so very slowly. The room feels cold and silent, maybe because Negan’s got all of his focus on the way Rick’s eyes widen slightly as the words sink in, immediately followed by a moisture that he’s struggling to keep inside. To Rick’s credit, he stays strong enough that the only sign of being affected is the utterly broken sound of his voice when he finally speaks.

“How?” is all he says.

Negan swallows thickly. He briefly considers telling him about Lori, something Carl had once told him in just enough detail for him to tell Rick right now, but he knows that despite appearances the man is about to break down, and telling him that he had a baby daughter who died is a low even Negan’s not willing to reach. Then, it suddenly hits him that the Rick before him doesn’t know that Judith exists, and that feels so infinitely wrong that Negan finds himself about to tell Rick the whole truth. He stops himself and inhales deeply.

“It happened before we met. You never wanted to tell me.”

Rick nods weakly and his empty, dead gaze falls down. His curls cover his eyes, but when his shoulders start shaking Negan knows he’s crying, and in a matter of seconds he’s sobbing, which soon changes into a sound that can only be defined as raw wailing. Negan tries to approach and put his hand on his shoulder, but Rick pushes away and screams something. Only after three times is Negan able to understand it.

_Leave me alone._

It hurts him deep in his chest, but fuck, he’s not the one with the right to be hurt right now. He sighs and leaves Rick alone in the room. Once outside, he leans next to the door, numb eyes fixed on the wall before him as Rick’s laments fill his ears and make him flinch every few seconds.

“Trying to be better, my ass. I’m just the same sick bastard I’ve always been” he mutters to himself, voice harsh and hateful, and continues to listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm starting a new chaptered fic. I won't update this as often, because I'm still more focused on Down a different path, and because this isn't so defined in my head yet. Also, chapters will probably be much shorter.
> 
> I should mention that while writing this my mind linked it to Malfunctioning Magnetism. I'm not sure I'd call it its sequel, maybe because that one might still be continued at some point, but I guess the general status of Negan's emotional state towards Rick is more or less the same. Huh, I dunno, hope that makes sense. The point is that if you've read that one, then maybe you'll like to link them, and if you haven't, worry not cause they are separate stories.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeey there people. Update on the shorter side, it's taken quite a while. Sorry. I've just been blocked, sorry :( I'm struggling with ways to make words sound appealing right now, I hope this can be enjoyable anyway.
> 
> Also, remember when I said this was lightly connected to Malfunctioning Magnetism but they were separate stories? Well, they're parts of the same series now. It just makes sense to me, that Negan's obsession in that one led to his actions here. Still, it's not necessary to have read that one.

_I didn’t think this through._

The first thing Negan does once he manages to tear himself away from where he listens to Rick’s broken sobs - which had him flinching every few seconds yet weirdly unable to stop being fascinated by them - is finding doctor Carson as fast as his pride will let him and ask dryly what are the chances of Rick getting his memory back. When he doesn’t get an immediate answer, he grips the man’s shoulders, digging his fingers painfully deep, and repeats his question in a quieter, slower tone.

Carson is pale, taken aback, and insists that he’s not an expert on things dealing with the brain, but whatever he sees in Negan’s eyes and smile when he softens his expression and asks one last time must scare him enough to make him figure it out. He manages to make his voice steady enough as he answers that as far as he knows, it’s just as likely that the memories come back as it is that they don’t.

Negan stares at Carson with a blank expression. The words resound in his mind over and over again, and he feels his heart beating hard, the blood pumping in his ears almost deafeningly.

“Then, you’re saying there’s a chance he never has any damn idea about what happened before this?” he inquires, slow and careful, as if asking too abruptly could somehow bring forth the answer he’s hoping to avoid.

“Yes. As I said, this isn’t my field, but I’ve heard of permanent memory loss. I’d say that if in the next couple weeks he doesn’t start remembering details, it’s safe to assume he will never fully recover.”

Negan lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, and a probably fucked up sense of relief briefly invades him. It’s not a guarantee, not good enough, but it’s better than what he was hoping for. He smirks, wide, feral and pleased.

“Good.”

He pats a surprised Carson as if he was an obedient puppy and leaves before the man has time to ask what about the situation is good, exactly. Negan saunters down the hallway happily, swaying his hips a bit. For a moment, he allows himself to erase from his mind the still likely possibility of his little stunt leaving him in an even worse situation, and he focuses on the fact that Rick Grimes is currently in Negan’s home. He may be broken, but for now he’s Negan’s, and that’s all he can make himself care about. He laughs softly to himself as he walks through the Sanctuary. He still can’t believe he’s gotten to call Rick _husband_ out loud.

He goes straight to the next point, which wipes the smirk right off his handsome face and places a damn bitter expression on his face. He takes his top guys and tells them the situation. The words leave a sour taste in his tongue - he, the coolest shit to ever step foot on this godforsaken planet, hot, sexy, and magnetic Negan, who points at whatever he wants and the world bends itself backwards to give it to him, has had to resort to pathetic manipulation to get the hot ass he’s after. It’s less than dignified and Negan hates it. He doesn’t bother with any explanation as to _why_ he’s done it.

Dwight and Arat look rather confused, but Simon, the bastard, doesn’t even pretend to be surprised. The guy knows him far too well, Negan thinks with a strangely angry fondness. He could read deeper into his mocking flirting with Rick than most could, and he’s always known that Negan’s not above certain things when he wants something real bad. And oh boy, hasn’t he wanted Rick an awful lot. Surely more than is healthy.

Negan grits his teeth and feels the anger that fills him when he’s furious enough to kill someone, but he manages to spit the words out. His three top guys are to make sure that everyone’s aware of the new situation: As far as anyone’s concerned, Rick’s been living in the Sanctuary for a long while and he’s Negan’s loving husband. It’s a huge blow to his equally huge ego, to think that everyone will know just how desperate he is to get what he wants, but if that’s what it takes to make sure no one helps Rick’s bothersome memories come to the surface to fuck up Negan’s little fantasy, then Negan’s willing to let his ego get the beating of the century.

He will just kill anyone stupid enough to laugh at him, anyway.

And Alexandria? Anyone who brings it up to Rick is on for a new job at the fence as well. Rick’s never been there, he has no one there, and Negan doesn’t understand why his pretty, perfect Rick should be bothered with his mobster husband’s nasty business.

God, Negan doesn’t even know how many new lows he’s hit in the last hour, and all he can be bothered about is that it might be for nothing because Rick might just end up remembering on his own. But he’s got a chance, and damn if he isn’t going to give everything to have it his way.

With a heavy heart, signing the death of his pride for what will be about three weeks until everyone just gets used to the newest kind of shitty move, Negan guesses, he tells them to go and start spreading the new ‘keep Rick in the dark so the boss can play house’ rule. However, a thought crosses his mind and he calls for Dwight before the man has time to go out after the others.

“Hey, Dwighty boy!” he calls cheerfully, wide grin on his face. Dwight turns around and Negan indicates him to move closer with a move of his fingers. Of course, Dwight complies immediately. He stands in front of Negan, looking up at him expectantly and, just like everyone but Simon, a hint of apprehension. Negan smirks and sways his hips relaxedly.

“Tell me, D, do you remember that time I grabbed your very hot wife and said, ‘this is my very hot wife now’? With the consent of all involved parts, of course. Surely you remember, it was the beginning of our fucktastic friendship.”

Dwight blinks at Negan before a look of mild bitterness covers his face, immediately replaced by detachment. Negan smirks wider; if there’s anything he’s good at, it’s being a hell of an asshole to the people he’s fond of. He’s more than aware that Dwight still has feelings for Sherry and that they still talk sometimes. However, the burnt skin on the man’s face tells Negan that both of them know their limits.

“Yeah, I remember. It’s something quite difficult to forget.”

Negan laughs out loud. “Damn it is! Look, I kinda wanted to talk to you about that. I know you still got your ring around, don’t you?”

Dwight nods slowly and, when Negan opens his eyes wide and tilts his head, he reluctantly puts his hand around his neck and pulls out a thin chain, from where a wedding ring is hanging. Negan spreads his hand out waiting to receive it, and he gives Dwight the almost full minute it takes for him to comply, flinching when the ring lands on his boss’ hand. Negan preens.

“You see, Dwight, Rick thinks we’re married and I want to keep him thinking that. I think that a ring on his hand is gonna help him come to terms with it. Not to mention that I’m a possessive as fuck guy and I like him having my claim on him. Of course, you know all about my little possessiveness problems.” Negan’s voice is cruelly cheerful, but when he sees Dwight flinch, eyes still locked longingly on the gold band, he feels a weak pang of guilt and he softens his expression. “It won’t be forever, D, just until I find another one somewhere. I’ll tell him that since we’re basically starting our relationship all over again, it’ll feel fitting that he has a new ring. I’ll get him the prettiest thing I can and you’ll have this back. I promise.”

“Sure thing, boss.”

Dwight’s voice is controlled, but all his body language says that he isn’t too reassured. Negan doesn’t call him out on his lack of faith on him, as he usually would have, and just dismisses him calmly. Negan might be a very big bastard, but he’s not gonna ask Dwight to look thrilled about this.

By the time Dwight’s left the room, Negan’s thoughts are already focused on other matters. His eyes trail down to the ring he plays with between his fingers absently. It’s a simple gold band, with no words engraved on it. It’s the perfect thing to drill the fact into Rick’s brain. Negan intends to keep his promise, though, as much as a kindness to Dwight as to please himself: He wants Rick to have something that’s Negan’s and only Negan’s. He thinks that something made out of silver or white gold will fit the man perfectly. Surely his men will be able to find something somewhere, or in the worst of cases, he’ll have to send someone to explore deep enough into the city to find a jewelry shop.

It’s a good while he spends rolling thoughts in his head, just like the little ring rolls in his hand. He's absolutely aware of what he’s doing, and he knows that its name is manipulation. He’s manipulating a man when he’s at his weakest to fit his own desires. It’s kind of ironic, since Rick was his reason to want to be better in the first place.

In his own defense, Negan can say that he barely thought about it at the moment, too caught up on the sheer shock of Rick’s impressions of him being wiped clean and the tempting thoughts of what it could lead to - he wants to think that if he’d properly thought about it, he’d have done something different, he really does. But regardless of if he would have or not, he’s already done what he’s done, and he can’t change it. He won’t. Negan’s not that strong of a man.

He can’t stop thinking about that brief conversation they’d had. He hadn’t had the chance to get much insight on him, but this Rick felt… different. So very polite, soft-spoken, open as a book for Negan to read, and what could only be called adorable. This is a Rick that hasn’t had to face what the world has become yet. He’s soft. He’s kind. It scares Negan in Rick’s behalf, but at the same time, even if it makes him even more of a sick bastard, his mouth waters a bit at the thought.

Negan’s going to have to protect Rick, and he damn will. He’s going to protect him from the responsibility and weight of being the leader of people who rely on him for survival, and he’s going to protect him from people, most of all. Rick won’t go on runs, either. Negan will lock him up and throw away the key, like a princess guarded by a leather-wearing dragon, before he lets him put himself in danger again.

Rick is so much better than absolutely everyone around him. He deserves to remain kind and unsoiled by the world. Negan will make sure of it.

It’s yet another irony, that Negan wants to avoid the strength and roughness that had first attracted him to Rick. It’s not even that much of a pleasant thought, if he’s got to be honest. But that ruthlessness isn’t what Negan sees in Rick, hasn’t been for a long time. No, it’s what Rick’s managed to keep untouched underneath it. Perhaps, what makes Negan want Rick the most is his kindness, something that will remain exposed now.

Maybe Negan didn’t think this through, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad thing, Negan tells himself as he caresses the ring. No, it can be something real good.

 

Rick doesn’t let Negan see him that day. He’s still crying when he comes back a couple hours later, his wailing turned into weak sobs. He just yells at Negan to leave him alone. He doesn’t want to see Negan the next day, either, nor the one after that.

On the fourth day, when Negan knocks on the door of the room he’s given Rick - the best one in the whole Sanctuary except his own - there are a few moments of tense silence, and then Rick’s voice, soft and unsure, answers.

“Come in.”

“What a fucking relief” Negan sighs to himself, wasting no time opening the door and rushing inside. The bed is a mess, as is the room in general, but Negan’s attention zeroes on Rick himself, who is sitting on the couch. He looks pale and has bags under his eyes, but the worst of his shock must have passed because he manages to give Negan a weak, hesitating smile. Negan doesn’t register any of this and just leaps happily his way to him, but he does register the way Rick flinches and pauses, deciding to be more careful in his approach.

“Hey, Rick” he greets softly, struggling to keep the anxious impatience out of his voice. Rick looks almost meek, but his gaze stays down for less than a second before he’s meeting Negan’s eyes. He looks rather uncomfortable, but it’s something, Negan guesses. He motions to the spot on the couch next to Rick and the man nods, so Negan drops his weight next to him. He automatically starts to place his arm around Rick’s shoulders, but Rick goes stiff and Negan stops himself. He scowls but puts the arm back, and keeps the disappointment out of his voice. “Huh. It’s been a couple days, hasn’t it?” he says, somewhat awkwardly.

Negan doesn’t mean it as anything but a way to start a conversation, but Rick flinches as if it was an accusation. Negan curses to himself and hurries to say something, but Rick beats him to it.

“Look, about that” the suddenly very shy man starts. Rick’s always been moderately shorter and thinner than Negan, but now, looking down at his hands on his lap and fidgeting as he speaks, Rick feels just tiny. As if Negan could hold him in his hand. “I… I… Damn.” Rick groans and rubs the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I guess I just wanted to say sorry. I owe you and apology. I haven’t, well, I haven’t reacted to this how I should have.”

Negan scowls again, deeper this time. He puts his hand on Rick’s cheek and, momentarily deciding to ignore that the touch makes Rick uncomfortable - after all, he’s used to putting his hands on Rick’s shoulders and face without the man liking it, it’s almost natural - and makes him look up to meet his eyes. Rick doesn’t look away and that puts the hint of a smile on Negan’s lips before going to seriousness again.

“Listen to me, Rick” Negan calls in a voice that is simultaneously gentle and commanding. “You have jackshit to apologize for, you get that? I’m not saying I like it, but you woke up to a hell of a messed up situation in all fronts, so you need a little time to put your head in order. Fucking big surprise right there. It’s damn hard for you, I get it.”

“But it’s hard for you too” Rick argues, eyes slightly narrowed and lips twisted in a way that probably intends to looks stubborn but instead feels like a damn lost puppy. “I mean, your… Your… _Husband_ ” he says, as if the word didn’t feel like something that actually belongs to human language, “has been in a coma for some time, and when he wakes up he doesn’t remember you? That’s got to be something quite bitter to swallow.”

It’s then that it hits Negan, that this is a whole new Rick, wiped clean of all his world-weariness. Of course, he’s spent the last three days rolling it non-stop on his head, but it felt like a dream he’s just woken up from to find it’s real. He knows Rick’s always been a mostly good man, but the earnestness Negan sees in his eyes right now, the capacity to completely sympathize with Negan of all people, it’s suddenly almost overwhelming. Negan blinks again, and he has to fight the thought of just how wrong it is that he’s holding someone so _good_.

“Stop it” he says after a brief pause. His words are a bit hesitant at first, but they get firmer immediately after, a tone that says that Negan won’t accept any kind of argument. “You don’t get to fucking apologize, your hear me? Don’t you dare. You’ve done nothing wrong. Fuck, it’s me who should be apologizing! I should’ve taken better care of you out there. So I’d tell you to be angry at me, only I know you’re too good for that. You’re forbidden from saying sorry for this. Understood?”

Negan’s leaned into Rick’s space, and he doesn’t realize how much or just what tone he’s been speaking in until he sees Rick’s moderately alarmed face. Immediately he pulls back and runs a hand through his hair, sighing deeply. He forces his voice to be softer.

“Fuck. Bad start. Just… Damn, Rick, it’s bad enough that you have to go through this. I can’t fucking stand the thought of you feeling guilty over it on top of that shit.”

There’s a silence between them that stretches for a few minutes. Negan carefully observes how Rick’s face goes to a blank neutral, and then, to his relief, a barely-there smile appears on his lips as he looks down again.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” On a whim, Negan reaches out for Rick’s hand and holds it in his. Rick doesn’t seem to mind so much, so Negan cradles it between both of his hands, raises it to his mouth, and places a gentle kiss on the palm. All the while, his eyes delightfully drink in how Rick’s cheeks take a red color. It’s the most gorgeous thing he’s seen in years. “You’re my husband, Rick. My husband. That kind of comes with me caring the fuck out of you, doesn’t it?”

Rick turns redder and chuckles awkwardly. It’s damn adorable, Negan thinks, so much he could spend his whole day looking at it. “It’s weird. This husband thing. It’s just… I’m sorry. I don’t know how I feel about it.”

Once again, Negan tips Rick’s face towards his to look in his eyes. This time, his fingers linger in the man’s chin, caressing gently.

“I love you, Rick” he starts, and he can barely control to urge to laugh giddily. After this long, he’s finally, _finally_ , saying it out loud. He’s saying it and Rick’s listening to him and he doesn’t have to hide it or deny himself the right to take what he so desperately wants. “I love you and you love me. You loved me once, at least. You’ll love me again.”

Perhaps it’s the certainty with which he says it, or the genuine feeling that Rick feels behind his words, but Rick smiles, a little less shy this time. He even leans the slightest bit into Negan’s touch.

“If only these memories came back…”

“Fuck no!” Negan cuts, all the gentleness suddenly gone from his voice and replaced with angry anxiousness. He sees the way Rick blinks in alarmed confusion, and clears his throat to recompose himself. “It’s as I said before. You don’t have to beat yourself over that. You may never remember, and that’s OK. If the memories want to come back, sweet as peaches, if they don’t? Fuck the little shits. We’ll make new ones. As I said, I can make you swoon into my arms all over again.”

Rick chuckles again. “I’m willing to try.”

“Good.”

Negan raises Rick’s hand to kiss it one more time and then lets it go. He searches in the pocket of his jacket and comes out with the gold ring in his hand. He rolls it a few times and then looks questioningly at Rick, saying no words. Rick’s staring at it, suddenly frozen, and the look on his face tells Negan that he’s probably thinking about Lori. However, he doesn’t move it away, and two minutes later Rick nods, the movement certain enough.

Negan grins. He takes Rick’s hand carefully, and, with his own fingers almost shaking with excitement, slips the ring into Rick’s finger.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY D: I know it's been forever. I'm so sorry, really, I have no excuse other than I'm a hella lazy writer who really should write more and remember I'm handling more than one story rn.  
> Either way, hope you enjoy, and please point out if there's any mistake of any sort - or if there are incoherences/repetitions with the previous chapter. I may not had those as fresh as would be ideal >_> so please tell me if you notice anything!

Rick accepts the ring, but the joy is short-lived, because immediately after he completely shuts down to all of Negan’s advances all over again. Negan feels irked frustration invade him, but he suppresses the scathing growl that threatens to come out of him in fear of unsettling this wide-eyed, innocent Rick.

He’s got to be fair, too: After all, his first move after slipping the ring in and looking at it in fascination by what it represents is bringing his hand to Rick’s cheek and try to bring him in for an eager, hungry kiss.

He’s dying to try the taste of Rick’s lips, and it’s only when his own are about to brush the other man’s that he notices the complete stillness of the man under his hands, tense and with his head slightly tilted back, as if trying to stay away from Negan. He doesn’t actively try to stop him, though, so for the briefest of moments Negan is tempted to give in to the thirst he feels and close the distance anyway. It’d be easy, so easy, and Rick would surely roll along with it and speed this whole process up…

Negan shakes his head as he moves away and frees Rick, his grunt coming from both his frustration at not having tasted Rick’s mouth like he so direly needs and his anger at himself for having even considered brushing aside Rick’s desires like that. Negan’s not an animal, he’s a man. A man in love. He’s not going to let his impatience force someone this way, and least of all Rick. Rick deserves better. Rick deserves Negan to be good and patient with him, not manipulate him like that.

At least, not more than he already has, his mind supplies.

“I’m sorry about that” he tries a few moments later, after rejecting the idea of ignoring that even happening. He gives a hint of an awkward, apologetic smile as he raises his hands in an attempt to tell Rick he can let the tension roll off his shoulders. “Shouldn’t have done it. I guess I miss you and your sweet lips too fucking much, baby. Got lost in it for a moment, won’t happen again.”

At first he fears his words do nothing, seeing the scowl of discomfort and embarrassment on Rick’s face. Rick’s eyes briefly flutter down, but he resists the urge to look away from Negan, and so Negan can plainly see the harsh rush of defensive concern in them. It clenches painfully in his chest. Negan finds himself leaning into Rick’s space again, as if his closeness will suck the distrust straight outta him, but Rick’s eyes narrow as his hands turn into fists. Negan freezes, stares at it, and then leans back with a heavy sigh, moving as far away as the couch will allow him. Immediately Rick’s form relaxes and the anxiety almost washes out of his face.

“It’s alright” Rick says, weak smile on his face that even seems moderately genuine. His fingers absently roll the ring around his finger, and the sight briefly fills Negan’s chest with warmth, pride, and victory before he’s focused back to the matter at hand. “I told you, I get it, this has got to be hard for you, that I can’t… I just can’t. Not yet. Sorry.”

The corners of Negan’s lips furrow at the same time his suddenly colder eyes narrow. “Rick, didn’t I tell you you’re not allowed to say sorry for this fucking shit? It’s not your fault. I’m a fucking grown up, I can handle my crush not playing big motherfucking happy house with me just yet. Worry about yourself and not about me.”

Rick’s clearly startled again by the sudden swing in Negan’s mood, eyebrows twisted in confusion and what looks like worry, possibly that he might have upset Negan. Negan berates himself as he wishes he could control his goddamn temper.

_ You don’t have to break this one. You don’t have to make him feel inferior to you. He doesn’t have to obey. He deserves better than that. You just got to be nice and kind, make up for all the shit you’ve put him through, and wait for him to love you. _

“If you feel that damn bad about it, though, how about this?” he offers in a calmer, peaceful voice. Rick visibly relaxes. “Sleep with me tonight, or let me sleep here, huh?” Rick’s expression morphs within a second, indignant and flustered, outright angry for the first time since this started, and about to scream at Negan. Negan flinches and curses his ability to make everything sound flirty, and rushes to add, “Not for sex, of course. Fuck, I don’t think you’re gonna be ready for that rollercoaster for a while yet. No, how about we just snuggle the fuck out of each other and talk? Let you get to know my fucktastic self all over again.”

He’d find it hard not to rub the boner he’s bound to have against Rick’s sweet ass, though, Negan thinks. Luckily - or not - Rick shuts the potentially awkward situation down right away.

“Of course we won’t have sex” he grumbles, arms crossed almost petulantly, but there is no edge in his voice. Negan is mostly successful in not feeling offended for the tone Rick uses, as if it was such a ridiculous idea it’s not even worth considering. Rick holds his gaze for a handful of seconds and then his front crumbles. He sighs deeply and shows Negan a more fragile, lost look than he’s ever allowed him to see before, memories or not.

“Listen to me, Negan. I… I just can’t. I cannot have sex with you, and I cannot sleep in the same bed as you, and it’s hard to talk to you. Maybe you’ve been my husband for a while now, but me? I don’t know you. Four days ago I had a wife and a kid and now I’ve lost them and I’m married to a stranger in a world that scares the hell out of me. You… You cannot ask me to move on so fast. You told me not to say sorry, but what do you want me to say? I  _ am _ sorry. I wish things were different, but they’re not.”

Rick’s words are soft, as if he feared his words might hurt Negan, but his blue eyes are steely and firm although kind under the grief, staring at Negan’s, openly defying him to complain about the apology. For a second, Negan sees the man who never fully bowed down to him. And even if a spark of annoyance fires up within him, it’s swiftly put out by the mixed rush of excitement at the sight that fire, sympathy for Rick’s grief, and warmth that Rick’s concerned about Negan’s feelings in all of this.

God, Rick really is something else. Negan is amazed by just how  _ good _ the man can be. He’s never going to let go. Negan is something foul, and he wants Rick’s purity all to himself, to envelop and protect, and he doesn’t give a shit that he was never meant to touch him in the first place.

He puts his hand in the center of the couch. He tries to convey that it’s not a request. It’s a mere offer.

“They aren’t” he agrees, voice softer than he remembers it ever being - except his time with Lucille, when he had too taken for himself something far too good for him. “And I don’t expect you to be ready, either. Damn, Rick, I shouldn’t have suggested that. You’ll find out I’m an asshole who speaks far too fucking much. You’ll learn to brush off all the bullshit leaving my mouth.”

The offered hand hasn’t been taken, and to his own surprise, Negan finds he’s not bitter about it, that if Rick wants more space, Negan is happy to grant him more time. He’s honestly cool with waiting, as long as at the end Rick is okay and he’s his. He’s about to stand up and say his goodbye, but just before he can do that Rick’s hand flies on top of his to stop him. At first Rick looks just as surprised as Negan, but then he offers a smile as he squeezes hesitantly.

“I ain’t getting into any bed with you, but, huh, that doesn’t mean we cannot talk, right? Not too long. Just a couple hours a day, until I’m ready for more. What do you think?”

Negan’s grin is bigger and brighter than the sun. “I think it’s a fucking brilliant idea, Rick.”

 

It’s three more days of Negan visiting Rick in his room and leaving at the third or fourth hint that Rick was burning out of his company before the next development. He’s adapting to the situation faster than Negan would have expected; he hasn’t seen any more tears on Rick’s face, and while he still has clearly defined borders, he’s starting to grow comfortable in Negan’s presence.

He’s calm enough to start to feel claustrophobic in his room. Negan throws his arm around Rick’s shoulders the moment he says he wants to see what the Sanctuary has to offer, gleefully smirking as he starts guiding him through the place. He’s so overjoyed with Rick taking steps forward that he doesn’t even mind when Rick quietly shrugs his arm off. Soon enough, he won’t mind Negan’s hands on his body.

He’s not that happy about Rick eventually growing weary of Negan’s presence over his shoulder, though. Negan’s immediate reaction when Rick asks him if he can explore some more of his own is bare his teeth and bark a  _ fuck no _ . The idea of it, Rick going around on his own, it makes him want to growl at everyone, take Rick in his arms and get him back to their nest to embrace him and never let go, isolated from the world.

He knows it’s not a risk that anyone will tell Rick about his real past or be hostile towards him - after all, Negan’s made sure that everyone’s scared shitless of him and no one will go against his wishes unless they got a wish for a slow, painful death, in which case they wouldn’t be alive anymore. Nonetheless, he’s still uncomfortable with the idea. Extremely so.

However, he remembers how Rick reacted at his previous outbursts and the last thing he wants is to scare him again, so he bites down his reaction and hesitantly agrees to let him go around without Negan as long as he has someone with him. Less than a minute later they spot Dwight, Negan calls him over and trusts him with Rick. Negan knows that the look he gives Dwight behind Rick’s back is enough to make clear he won’t like what will happen if anything at all happened to Negan’s husband. 

The bad part of having everything set up so smoothly that the place practically runs itself is that Negan can only quench the uneasiness he feels at seeing Rick go by doing shit around for a short while. Two hours later he’s had his attention in everything demanding it and his mind flies back to what Rick might be seeing and what he thinks of Negan being the one in charge of it all.

It’s there, nagging on the back of his mind while he tries to keep himself occupied, until he goes to Rick’s room later that evening to check on him. Negan knocks on the door and waits for Rick to tell him to come in - the only exception to his ‘I own all of this and I need no permission so be grateful I’m knocking at all’ attitude - and walks in to see a cheerfully smiling Rick. Relief washes over Negan as he finds himself grinning back.

“Good mood, I see.”

“Yeah. It was good to spend a few hours out of this room” Rick replies, setting his book aside and standing up. Negan’s grin grows wider and warmer when Rick closes some of the distance on his own. “It’s a weird place, for sure, but I’ve been talking to some people. Everything’s weird nowadays, ain’t it? Nothing’s the same as before. And from what I’ve heard this place is doing pretty good.” Rick tilts his head, eyes shining as he regards Negan curiously. “You’re the one who made all of this?”

“Single handedly” Negan answers proudly, filling his chest, hands on swaying hips. “Got a couple fuckers who help me handle things, but I built it all. Modesty can go to hell, I made something I’m proud as all fuck of and I’m not gonna act like I’m not.”

“Sounds fair. Sounds like you’re kinda full of yourself, too.”

“See? Told you you’d learn to call my bullshit.”

Rick actually chuckles, jokes, and is generally relaxed the rest of the time Negan spends in his room, and Negan never wants to hear anything but Rick’s laugh ever again. Stepping out of his isolation, seeing how different things are now in all fronts, is sort of helping him move on. He’s actually smiling. For the first time since he woke up, he looks like he’s feeling good instead of faking it. Scratch that: For the first time since Negan met him, he looks free of the weight of worries.

Maybe Negan really hasn’t done such a bad thing, after all.

Not so much the following day. When Negan walks into the room in the afternoon, Rick’s not exactly moping, per se, but he’s not quite as cheerful as he was the day before. It could be attributed to a simply calmer mood, but Negan feels that’s not quite it, so twenty minutes into the conversation, he decides to bring it up.

“Rick, are you gonna tell me what went wrong?”

“Wrong? Nothing, why?”

Directly addressed, the notch in Rick’s mood becomes more evident, his brow furrowed and lips forming a straight line. Negan raises his eyebrow unimpressed. “Rick, we’ve been together for quite a while. I can tell when you’re lying.”

“I ain’t lying” he says, almost defensive. Negan’s eyebrow goes higher.

“And there you prove my point. Rick, I’m gonna find out one way or another.”

Rick considers it for a second and then he sighs, absently scratching his neck.

“It’s silly, really. It’s nothing.”

“I’ll be the one who decides if it’s nothing.”

“It’s just… Dwight, the guy you sent me to show me around. I don’t think he likes me very much. He was kinda short with me whenever I talked to him. Do I not get along with him?”

“You two get along” Negan answers, voice suddenly dry. His hand is tense before he forces it to relax. “You get along with everyone. You’re adorable as fuck, Rick, everyone likes you. I’ll have to talk to him and see what the hell’s gotten into him.”

It’s clear that this is disconcerting Rick, to some extent. He looks sort of put off, almost worried by it. A few months ago, Rick wouldn’t have given a shit about something like someone not getting along with him, and even if it had bothered him, Negan wouldn’t have minded either. Much worse things to worry about. This Rick, though, is candid enough to be concerned about something as minor as someone not liking him, and Negan finds that the thought of Rick being upset at all irks him.

It’s almost ridiculous, how different a man Rick can be while being the same person, and Negan loves him the same. Before, he saw hints of the man Rick used to be, who he likely still was with those he loved, and he treasured them. Now, he sees hints of the man Rick has potential of developing into all over again, and he loves them all the same. God, he just loves Rick. He doesn’t just love how he is in this or that situation, he loves  _ him _ . The thought makes him giddy.

The giddiness is gone the moment he leaves Rick’s room, though, pushed away by irritation. He walks firm and fast until he’s knocking on Dwight’s door. The moment the man opens, he’s grabbed by the collar of his shirt and roughly slammed into the wall.

“Wha-”

“I told you you’d have that motherfucking ring back” Negan whispers into his face, almost overflowing with anger. “I’ll have someone actively looking for a new one, alright? So quit the fucking bitching.”

Dwight pushes him away, and after pressing him harder against the wall for a moment, drawing a groan out of the man, Negan lets him down with a huff. He crosses his arm while Dwight recomposes himself and gives Negan a perplexed, slightly scared look.

“What’s this about?”

“You made Rick upset” Negan grunts, shoving Dwight once per word. “You were butthurt about your damn ring and you snapped at him. He’s not to blame for anything, so keep your shit away from him, give him a damn apology, or we’re gonna have a fucking problem. Do you want us to have a problem, Dwight?”

“What, because I lost my temper for a second? I didn’t mean to, alright? He’ll get over it” Dwight replies bitingly. It’s less than a second before he’s gone pale under the realization of what he’s said, but he doesn’t take it back. He crosses his arms and raises his chin. “He’s an adult, he can deal with it. It’s not like you’ve never made him upset, anyway.”

Negan’s hand has flown to the man’s throat on its own volition before he’s even finished speaking. Negan’s eyes are narrowed, his teeth are gritted, but when he speaks, his voice is soft and amiable.

“Be careful what you tell me, Dwight. I was gonna leave this alone, but I don’t think I like your fucking sass a single damn bit.”

That night, Negan doesn’t go back to his own room until he’s seen a beaten Dwight lying on the ground.

 

Negan’s been fucking around a lot these days. On one hand, he doesn’t want his wives to feel abandoned. On the other one, he’s found out that Rick’s smiles, trust and borderline naivety turns him on just as much as his bloodlust and threats had before. He wants to take that innocent man and show him the filthiest of pleasures until he can’t remember anything but Negan - OK, alright, bad metaphor.

Point being, Negan’s sexually frustrated, it’s added to his own natural horniness, and he doesn’t wanna scare Rick off by popping a badly-timed boner when the man directs his pretty eyes at him. And that’s why just before his second daily visit to Rick he’s putting his clothes back in while Tanya still lies on the bed, snuggling her pillow and looking at him curiously.

“You’re gonna go see Rick, Negan?”

“Aha” Negan nods cheerfully, adjusting his t-shirt. His satisfied smile grows an inch or two at the mention of the name. “My adorable hubby. He’s really something else, I’m telling you. You girls will love the fuck outta him once you meet him.”

Tanya sucks on her lower lip and makes a slightly pained grimace at that, which has Negan raising a quizzical eyebrow. “About that… I meant to tell you. Maybe you should be careful when you see him later.”

“The fuck why?”

“Amber said she bumped into him earlier and talked to him for a while. He may be a bit upset with you right now.”

Now, Negan likes his girls. He doesn’t love them, but he really, really likes the hell out of them, hence the whole wives thing. He would never even dream of putting a hand in any of them or hurting them on any way. He  _ won’t _ . But if Amber has said something bad about him to Rick, he’s gonna have to have a long, deep conversation with her about it.

“Tanya, what did Amber do?” he asks quietly and calmly, arms crossed, eyes narrowed, resting against the wall. He has to remind himself that his wives aren’t people to lose his temper about, even if Rick being involved pulls him away from that calmness.

“She just introduced herself. As one of your wives. You hadn’t told him about us, did you?”

And with that nonchalant statement Tanya has Negan frozen. Right. He hadn’t thought that Amber simply introducing herself would be a problem, and he sure as hell has no right to be angry about her doing so. Groaned curses freely escape his mouth as he covers his eyes with his hand and heads towards the door.

“Well, fuck me sideways. Gotta tell him about our little polygamy situation sooner or later, anyway. You and the girls will have gossip material by tomorrow, I guess.”

“Oh, we already do.”

Negan even manages to crack an amused grin at her before leaving.

Rick’s not as amused as Tanya is, that much is certain. The moment Negan walks in, he leaves his book aside and silently stares with his arms crossed. Negan lets the air put tension into him for ten seconds in hope it will magically vanish, but there’s no such luck. Instead, he has to shake it off, roll his shoulders and sigh.

“Don’t let nerves stop you, honey. Go ahead.”

“Wives” Rick begins slowly, standing up. He walks up to Negan, gets in his face, and in that moment Negan discovers that Rick is still able to pull off a hella convincing furious glare. He’s almost intimidated, but he’s also sort of getting hard all over again from the sight. “Wives, Negan. Plural. Is it true?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“How many?” Rick cuts with a snarl, shoving Negan, who gives half a step back. “How many wives do you have?”

Negan catches Rick’s hand in his own, and after the man has taken it back he makes a placating gesture. It does little to stop the shaky anger Rick is glaring into him, though. Negan licks his lips slowly. “Five, other than you.”

Rick blinks at him blankly for a moment, and then he once more does the last thing Negan would expect: He laughs. It’s a harsh, angry sound that seeps bitterly into Negan’s chest, an ugly version of the warm, soft laugh he had so quickly gotten used to getting from Rick. The man brings a hand to his brow, paces the room for a few moments before looking at him again.

“I’m a part of a harem” he states blankly, as if he can’t believe it. He probably barely can, and the realization barks at a wincing Negan to go to Rick and hold him until it’s all better. “I thought I could do this, I thought I was accepting this. I  _ was _ . But this is what I do after the word ends? Stay here and be pretty for you? That’s it? I thought… I thought I was doing something here. Maybe I helped you run this place. Maybe we were partners. Maybe I was useful.” Rick rubs the heel of his hand into his eye and suddenly he looks more tired than Negan has ever seen him. “I had a family. It wasn’t perfect, but it made me happy. I’ve gone from that to being just the trophy husband of the guy on top and I’m not even good enough to keep his attention on me. God, I’m fucking pathetic.”

There’s something in Negan’s throat that stops him from breathing properly. It’s shaped like the bitterness and frustration coming off Rick in waves, but Negan barely even notices it. All he can think of is the completely defeated look on Rick’s face when he drops back onto the couch. As if there was a rope joining them, the moment Rick goes down Negan follows the painful pull on his chest, dropping to his knees in front of him and holding Rick’s face, forcing him to look at his eyes.

“I’ll get rid of them, Rick. All of them. I wouldn’t have ever noticed any of them if your fucking amazing, impressive, badass self had showed up around here any sooner, anyway. Bye-bye, they’re gone.”

Rick blinks at him one, two, three times, still clearly upset but serenity slowly seeping into his expression. Negan smiles weakly, and although Rick doesn’t smile back, he feels he’s in the right direction. He takes Rick’s hand - the one with the ring - and gingerly presses a kiss into it. He keeps going.

“Trophy?  _ They _ are trophies, Rick, never you. I don’t want to be any more of an asshole than I already am, but they’re there solely to keep me entertained. You? God fucking damn, Rick, I swear I’m gonna throw a tantrum like a fucking baby without a nipple if you ever say something like that again. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: You’d handle this whole place much better than I ever could. Hell, if we’re where we are right now it’s because of you. Being pretty?  _ Please _ . You sure are a fucking beauty, but you’re a damn badass too. You’re my fucking dreams put in the shape of the most perfect man.”

Negan kisses Rick’s hand again, then the other one. He puts his cheek into Rick’s palm, nuzzles it lovingly.

“I enjoy their company. They’re nice to be around, that’s it. You? I fucking love you.”

He knows it’s most likely misplaced, since Rick wouldn’t have been upset in the first place if he had changed things the moment he got him to accept the ring, but Negan can’t help but feel pride fill him up when he sees that bitterness has been replaced by a barely-there smile on Rick’s face. He indicates for Negan to join him on the couch, but the man prefers to stay where he is, Rick’s palm on his cheek soothing any worry he’s ever had.

“Was I OK with them before I lost my memory?” In tune with his look, Rick’s voice has lost all its heat now. It’s gone from seastorm to gentle tide that soothes Negan’s anxiety.

“It simply isn’t the same thing and you knew that. You got along with them, actually. They were all before you came in. I give them an easier life, they give me an outlet for my sexual frustration. That’s it. Then you came in and it was something else entirely. I’m gonna be honest here, I’m a damn horndog, and lately I’ve been fucking them to not be frustrated about you and make you uncomfortable. Before that? Fuck, I don’t remember the last time I considered going to them.”

Which is partially true. Negan has been fucking them a lot, but most of the time it’s with Rick in his mind. He knows that if Rick had been willing to give in to his desires, he’d have barely thought of touching them. Hopefully, that’ll be the actual situation soon. He makes his voice extra soft and gentle next. “That was before. Do you want it to change now? I can arrange it. It won’t be too bad for them.”

Rick’s lips do twist in discomfort when Negan mentions having visited his wives lately, but he shakes his head. “I think I can handle it.”

“Rick, baby, look at me. I don’t want you to handle it, I want you to be OK. Hell, I want you to be fucking blissed every waking second.”

“I’m still adjusting, so let’s see what I think about it once I’m done with that, alright?”

Even though he says that, and Negan nods, his mind is still working. Yeah, why the hell keep them? He’s still gonna need them for a while, but he knows that once Rick lets Negan have him, he ain’t gonna have much thought for anyone else. The desire Negan feels for him just burns that hot. He’ll let them keep some of their privileges and everyone will be fine and dandy.

Rick is the only one he needs. Negan stays where he is, kneeling in front on Rick, eyes closed and humming happily as he presses soft teasing kisses to his hands. Eventually Rick chuckles softly - that’s the one that makes Negan happy - and Negan raises his eyebrow.

“So I’m a badass, huh?” Rick asks with an amused smile. It’s clear the thought pleases and reassures him. Negan returns a feral grin.

“Honey, you’re so damn all-around impressive that you made my cold, dead and rotting heart fall in love again.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I *am* aware of how long it is between chapter and chapter. Yes, I'm angry at myself for it too.

It's as good as it can be hoped for after that. Rick and Negan fall into easy, amiable conversation, the atmosphere light around them. Negan answers all of Rick's questions, although he chooses to subtly redirect the topic from 'so you say this place wouldn't be the same without me, huh?' to the less dangerous one of 'I mean it, Rick, you're such a fucking badass, it's goddamn amazing', which is less likely to make Negan's mind, brilliant as it is, dig himself into a plot hole he'll have to explain later.

He's heard enough from Rick and Carl, and hell, seen enough for himself, to know that calling Rick a downright badass is in no way a stretch from the truth. He casually mentions things he knows to be true that amazed him the moment he heard about them, but for the most part he makes shit up following the same tone the other stories have in case digging too deep into the true ones might stir Rick's memories a little too much for Negan's liking. He makes the mental note to make sure that his inner circle knows and talks to Rick sometime about their very clear memories of those amazing things Rick did.

Rick doesn't look like he's buying  _ too _ much into the bullshit Negan feeds him, and he's a bit horrified when Negan crosses into gruesome territory - not too much of that, though; Negan wants Rick pure, happy, and unburdened by all the nasty things he's been forced to do, so the man shall see himself as innocent and good as he can be - but he doesn't seem too put off by the idea. Maybe it's the sheer excitement and awe Negan is imbuing his storyteller-like intonation with, or maybe he's simply pleasantly surprised to find how strong he can be under circumstances as dire as those. In the end, it doesn't matter: Rick's smiling by the time Negan's done, and that's all the taller man can bring himself to care about.

That smile is still there when they part ways, and Negan knows for a fact that he's not imagining the hint of warmth that's starting to creep up into Rick's face, right there next to the simple lack of tension. It makes him sigh happily into his pillow afterwards, chest light and fluttery with giddiness.

Soon, he tells himself. Soon he'd be able to hold Rick close to his chest between those sheets, keeping him to himself, kiss his curls and whisper goodnight, getting lost on the feel of Rick's warm breath on his neck.

 

 

The next few days keep going by with overall ease. Rick continues to take his little trips around the Sanctuary, more out of desire to move his legs and force himself out of the skittishness and semi-isolation his amnesia has provided him with than real need to know what the place is like, now that he has a good general idea of it. He's so very different from Negan - who knows he'd be happy to spend all day lying in bed and having sex if that was an option - or his wives - who spend most of their day happily chatting on their room - and Negan can't help but be endeared by the quietly excited drive the man has.

Although, of course, Rick will probably take it down a notch if he has something to spend his time on other than little factory walks and holing up in his room. Negan would be more than happy to provide him with that distraction - so happy, in fact, that he has a hard time thinking of anything else - but sadly Rick's comfort around him still runs out eventually, probably helped by the fact that Negan can't stop himself from gazing longingly at his lips, or occasionally showing a hint of the vulgar, borderline abrasive and violent flirting he used to throw at the man.

It's not too long before Rick asks him to meet the wives. He's a little bit nervous and shy when he does, and his blush intensifies under Negan's raised eyebrow, but he looks sure enough in his decision.

“You said I'm on good terms with them” Rick explains, “and I think it might be good for me to talk to some more people, someone who's not there to... Keep an eye on me. The worst that can happen is it getting a little awkward, right? I spoke with Amber the other day and she was nice.”

His girls are all nice and sweet, Negan knows that. He's briefly worried that seeing them face to face will drag Rick back down to the shitty mood Negan found him in when they first discussed this, but Rick's batting his eyelashes at him, eyes wide and curious, and he cannot tell them no. It will probably be a good thing, just like Rick says, something to make his life at Negan's home a little less monotone.

He knows the ladies have been using Negan's crush on Rick as their substitute for gossip magazines ever since Negan started developing a soft spot for the leader of Alexandria. If he tries hard enough he can still hear questions and excited squeals when he gave them answers that apparently fell on 'motherfucking adorable', up there with giant teddy bears. Therefore it's not much a surprise, but still pleasant to see, when they welcome Rick into their den with friendly greetings and immediately drag him down to talk and 'get to know each other again, Rick, we have missed you so much.”

Negan stays in a corner and watches the scene unfold with a slight smirk on his face. Rick motherfucking Grimes, sitting down with Negan's spouses as one more of them. If only he'd known this was coming, back when he had to face Rick's cold shoulder, clawing and biting in a desperate fight to get a simple chuckle out of his lips.

He doesn't like the judging stink-eye he's getting from them, though. On principle alone they have all been openly unimpressed by Negan's little stunt to get Rick to accept the title of husband, although they've been pretty chill about it. They're - understandably, to be honest - falling for Rick's innocent, unhardened charm fast enough to already be twice as righteously judgmental of Negan's decision.

Soon enough Negan finds that, despite it being hella unpleasant, he likes it. He likes when people like his hubby, so he returns their subtle raised eyebrows with a toothy grin and a wave of his hand while he sips on his glass of rum, which hides the hint of bitterness that remains with him anyway. They have no fucking idea how badly he's ached to have Rick.

Sherry, ever the ring-leader that she is, takes upon herself the role of herald and eventually excuses herself from the gathering, serves herself some alcohol and leans on the wall next to Negan. They silently take in the sight, drinking slowly.

“He's nice. I like him.”

“He's fucking magnificent, that's what he is. I'd think there's something disturbingly wrong going on in your skull if you didn't like him.”

“He deserves better than what you're giving him.”

“You think I don't know that? Shut the fuck up.” Negan's tone is friendly and amiable, which is probably why Sherry just rolls her eyes. “We both know there are better uses to that mouth than shittalking your hardworking husband.” She rolls her eyes again.

“I  _ am _ gonna make it better for him, though” Negan continues with a calm sound to his voice. “As soon as I can pop an uncontrolled boner in front of him without freaking the shit out of him I'm going monogamous. Thought it might interest you.”

There are some seconds of silence. Negan gets ready to have shit thrown at his ear any moment now. As much as they like to bitch about it, he knows the girls don't regret their choice of taking his metaphorical ring.

“Excuse me?”

Aaaah, that's why he likes Sherry. Always the elegant marble statue that turns out to be a whore in the sheets. Negan smirks into his glass.

“It's gonna take a while, but yeah. Don't you like to complain to hell and back about me? Well, you're free to go, ladies.” He takes a second to bask on the glare he's getting, giving his best shit-eating grin in return. “No more Negan dick. You can choose the dick or pussy you want, you go back to work, but it'll be easy as fuck work and you'll get twice as many points. Not as good as taking my dick all the way in, I know, but that's what it's gonna be. How's that sound, my sweetpea?”

Sherry's lips continue to be pressed together in an admittedly impressive bitchface, but that's just standard protocol. A couple more sips of alcohol have her expression thoughtful, and eventually she nods.

“That does sound good, actually. I know Amber will like it. Not too sure about Tanya, though, and Frankie's gonna need some time adjusting to the idea, but she'll come around.” There is a brief pause, and then she adds, all warm fondness and some incredulity. “You  _ do _ love him, don't you?”

Negan chuckles and nods. “You bet your fucking life I do.”

 

 

Negan also not-so-subtly encourages his top guys to start having some contact with the new addition to the household, because Rick's up there with Negan at the top of the food chain and Negan will kill various people before he allows the man to be dragged away from his confining arms, so the top spheres might as well get used to him.

Arat has never been too fond of Rick, or anyone for that matter, always glaring whenever he was in her view and clearly not sharing Negan's fondness for him. She does seem to have found an edge of sympathy for his situation, though, because she's uncharacteristically nice to him - which means that her glare is a little less pronounced and her words take a slight turn towards speaking rather than outright barking; Rick is taken aback, Negan is impressed - and she sometimes gives Negan a look that translates into 'what the hell, dude? Not that I  _ care _ , but what the hell?'

And what's with everyone judging him, anyway?  _ My wives judge me, Arat judges me, Dwight judges me, the doc judges me, I can feel the goddamned walls judging me. Give me a fucking break, I'm just a fella desperately in love _ .

Simon has never had much more than 'meh, I guess I can see the appeal' about Rick either, but ever the loyal friend, he shrugs any ethical implications away and happily invites Rick to get wasted together. Ah, now that's what Negan is looking for. Just someone who makes Rick feel welcome. He'll have to remember to give Simon some extra ice cream for that.

And as for Dwight,  _ well _ , Rick seems to have taken some lowkey liking to him which makes Negan's brow furrow incredibly, although Dwight showing up limping and with his face bruised, product of running into some nasty people outside as far as Rick knows, might have gotten him some sympathy points. For his part, Dwight is probably directing his anger more at Negan that at Rick, but he still doesn't want to risk the shithead two-faces upsetting Rick again, so he's officially out of Ricksitting duty.

Negan would be more than happy to be the one to keep his eyes on Rick, but again, he's still got to stay away from him some time each day.  _ Seriously, why can he get along with everyone but he's got to 'get used to me'? Oh, right, I'm the sharpest reminder than his suburban apple-pie life is gone. Give the boy some time to replace Lori with me in the spouse mental square.  _ That time away is shorter each day, though, Rick doesn't actively ask him to go away, and many touches can linger without Rick shrugging them off.

Progress. Negan might or might not sing to himself in the shower about it, right after he's come in his hand with Rick's name on his lips.

And, well, maybe his earlier thoughts of 'this place fucking runs itself, I have no shit to do' might have been influenced by his utter inability to have anything in his head but ' _ RickRickRickRickRick _ '. Now that the anxiety about something going to shit has come down and Negan no longer fights the constant fear that Rick will find out or be disgusted by how he runs the Sanctuary, his mind gently reminds him that shit, he's actually got stuff to do around. Plenty of stuff to catch up on, too. Shit.

So while Negan deals with that and Rick wanders around, he gives him a new buddy. A Savior that recently joined, wasn't there to know much about what happened when Rick and Negan were enemies, but has been around enough to be scared shitless of Negan and spill no shit that he does know. The safest option to keep Rick in the dark. He's called Sean, a young, lanky boy that can't be much older than 25, and greets Rick with a friendly smile. Negan still likes when people are nice to Rick. Maybe he'll give Sean some extra ice cream as well.

In fact, seeing Rick at the end of the day, relaxed, smiling at Negan, not avoiding his contact, makes Negan want to give everyone extra ice cream. Even the walkers. He might drown Rick in icecream, given the chance.

 

 

“Hey, Rick, look at this.”

Negan's hand is almost shaking with sheer excitement when he reaches it out and opens his fingers, revealing a couple of white bands that Negan thinks might be white gold rather than silver, decorated with little sapphire details. As soon as he saw them Negan knew these were the ones, among all the jewelry brought by the team he sent to DC. These would be the ones to properly claim Rick as Negan's.

When he told Dwight about the little trip he had organized and that he hoped he would quit the hurt-ass bullshit he had been throwing ever since he lost his ring, Dwight limited himself to comment he hoped they brought something actually useful from the city. Negan felt there was more he wanted to say, amiably threatened to burn the other side of his face if he didn't do so, and Dwight put his best effort in not being disrespectful when he questioned whether Negan realized just how hypocritical he was, being all about keeping any kind of hurt away from Rick.

Negan laughed, soft and amused and bitter. “Believe me, Dwighty boy, I fucking know.”

Any bitterness was washed away by the thought of the ring, though, and now Negan feels his heart jump in his chest when he sees Rick's eyes admiring the jewelry. His already wide grin grows and he nudges them towards the man, who curiously takes them.

“They’re beautiful. What're they for?”

Negan puts his hand over Rick's, makes him close it around the rings. His eyes are soft and warmly alight as he takes in the face of the man before him. God, he's so fucking beautiful. “For you and me, darling. We're building this again, aren't we? To hell with everything else, a new page, all that jazz. Feels fitting to mark it with brand-new, pretty as all hell rings, doesn't it?”

Rick's brow twists a little and he immediately brings a finger to Dwight's ring, still on his finger. It's a gesture of protectiveness and attachment, and something in Negan goes fucking wild when he realizes that Rick's attached to a ring he associates with Negan. He can barely stop himself from taking Rick and making sweet slow love to him right there to show his appreciation of the fact.

“But this ring, it's got to have so many memories attached to it, right? It must mean a lot to you. I don't know, it must feel wrong to just replace it with another one. What if my memories come back? This one will do just fine then. I... I should be able to remember something sooner or later” he finishes, voice trailing off vaguely.

Again with the damn memories. Negan scowls a little, but pinches his nose and sighs deeply before his mood can get sour. He's gone over this with himself more than once, he cannot be a pissed bitch at Rick when all the man is doing is acting according to Negan's little play, and getting more invested in it than he'd have expected. If Rick wants his would-be-memories of Negan back, it should bring Negan happiness. It would, if the thought of Rick remembering anything didn't scare the shit out of him.

Besides, the urge to comfort is much stronger than anything else. His first impulse would be to pull Rick into an embrace, hold his nape, kiss his temple, but they aren't quite there yet. Instead he puts both hands on Rick's shoulders and squeezes, trying to convey all the warmth left in his soul when he smiles at him.

“Rick, listen to me. I told you I was alright with you never remembering, and I fucking meant it. Do you think I'm gonna love you a single bit less if you don't? There's no kind of shit in this world that could make that happen, you hear me? Every fucking inch of my heart belongs to you, and that's the end of it, alright? We got to get used to the idea, shitty as it is. Doc said you should be remembering stuff by now, and you're very clearly fucking not, so... That's it. It's fine. Fuck those memories, we still got each other, so no more sad-as-fuck faces alright?”

Rick blinks at him a couple times, the sad, disappointed expression is replaced by an incredibly happy smile. He laughs, brings his free hand up to rest over Negan's and nods. He shrugs him away, but only to place the rings on the table and then, with only a second of hesitation, slid the old one off.

Negan's heartbeat is loud on his ears as he offers his hand, and his eyes can see nothing but Rick's fingers sliding the first ring in. Then, with the utmost care and adoration, he holds Rick's hand. He brings it up to his face, reverently presses his lips on the palm with his eyes fixed on Rick's sapphire ones, and then he takes the other ring. He can't repress a little giddy laugh once it's in place, slid in fast and eager. He kisses Rick's hand once more, right over the mark of Negan's possession.

Rick's cheeks are sort of red, but he's grinning. He seems to think of something for a second, and then  _ holy shit _ , he's following Negan's example. He takes his hand and puts a light kiss to it - oh Jesus, Rick's lips are so soft and warm and Negan might die on the spot - offering Negan a shy smile afterwards. Negan's hand immediately settles on Rick's cheek, caressing him like he's wanted to for so long, and he's a second away from leaning in and trying that warm softness against his own lips.

Instead, he clears his throat to try to chase inconvenient thoughts away. His hand slips away and Rick's eyes avoid Negan's for a few moments, the blush intensifying. It's all awkwardness until Negan forces himself to ease down, waving his hand and producing a chuckle that takes it away.

“So what about your day? Anything worth mentioning?” he inquires, knowing that prolonged intimacy like this will start to wear down on Rick's comfort zone.

Rick takes notice of what Negan's doing and conveys his gratitude by tracing a faint smile. He goes thoughtful and then his expression takes on a curious, semi-concerner look. He tilts his head an inch, half-closes his eyes and runs his tongue over his lips.

“Well, now that you mention it, I overheard two of your soldiers talking, on my way here from your wives' room. I didn't get details, but it felt like there was some sort of trouble, something about a Hilltop. Is anything wrong going on?”

Now, there is abso-fucking-lutely no goddamn way Negan can let Rick know about the nature of his relationship with other communities. Ever. Nope. Nanay. No way in motherfucking everfucked hell.

The Sanctuary's relationship with other communities has improved a lot over time, and despite the main reason for it - that is, lowering down the hate in Rick's glare - no longer being a factor Negan hasn't put a stop to it or walked back the path he has started. Still, there's a lotta way to go for the interactions to be completely smooth; no murders attempts, no murder intent, but still menaces and tensions.

Maybe he'll let Rick know about it when they reach that point Negan is looking for, but as of right now it's a fuck no. He can't very well tell Rick ‘ _ oh, the Hilltop assholes are bitter as hell because we're getting the far nicer end of the bargain, but don't you worry, that's everyday shit _ .' Rick's never approved of it, not even the few times Negan implied he'd be willing to let Alexandria in onto Negan's benefits of his little dictatorship, so a non-world-weary Rick, almost freshly taken out of his cop duty? He'd be utterly disgusted, as if he had a shit right under his nose.

Negan's mentioned a few times what a shitty guy he is, and so far Rick has taken it as either him being dramatic or just references to thing's he's been forced to do in the past and feels bad about. He's not gonna change that.

Besides, Negan's told him he's got a hand in what the Sanctuary is. He's not willing to let Rick feel guilt over something he has been a victim of.

“The Hilltop's a community we trade with. We found a pretty good building between our territories, it might have supplies and will probably be useful once we fix it up a little, and we're having a little argument over who gets it.” Negan waves his hand dismissively. “It's a temporary roughness, nothing to worry about.”

Negan's put enough relaxedness into his voice to convince Rick, because the man lets go of the hint of concern that has taken over his face, eases his shoulders, and nods in understanding. He has a curious expression on his face, curious as he's been ever since he processed the whole 'the dead are walking around and eating people, honey' deal and he started wondering about the state of the world. Negan would love to satisfy his curiosity, but the mere thought of having Rick outside exposed to dangers has him panicking like a cow in a slaughterhouse. The thought of Rick in the Hilltop, where he's known, is almost worse.

But he can do something about Rick's need to see anything that's not concrete walls around him, though. A smile takes shape on his lips as an idea pops up in his head. He takes Rick's hand - the one with the ring, always the one with the ring - and cheerfully tells him to follow. Rick obeys.

Five minutes later find them on the roof of the factory, on the highest point it has to offer. The sun's settling down, giving an orange hint to everything, and the fresh air that blows on their faces is so high it doesn't carry the stink of death. Negan fills his lungs and smiles over at Rick.

He thought Rick's interest would be on the forest that spreads starting nearby the Sanctuary, a large extension of deep rich green. Instead the man's eyes are directed towards the industrial area, on the opposite side, taking all of it in. It's completely decaying and dusty, cleaned of walkers, and nature is starting to claim it as hers. Rick looks completely fascinated.

“It's strange, isn't it? Seeing these things abandoned, just... Wasting away. Everything must look like this now. My home too.”

“Everything looks like this now, yeah. It's... Well, I'm used to seeing it like this, falling apart little by little, but I see how it'd shock you.”

“There are plants. Animals too” Rick points out, eyes trailing on the greenery growing over grey concrete walls and a few bird nests on the roof of the building in front of them. “It's sort of peaceful, in a way. Strangely beautiful.”

“Mmmmm, I guess it is. Not as beautiful as you, though.”

Rick snaps out of his pensive, pseudo-philosophical musings with a sudden, deep laugh. He regards Negan with a half-hearted, playfully judging glare. Negan does his best to look innocent.

“Please tell me I didn't fall in love for lame pickup lines.”

_ Well, I tried to make you, but you didn't want to play your part so look where we are now. _

“I'm not too sure what turn of destiny said 'hey, let's give this nasty asshole the chance to have his crush between his arms', but Jesus, I do know that I'm grateful as fuck for it every damn day. Destiny might regret it, but it's too late now.”

Rick hums softly, gets that warm look on his face and looks Negan right in the eyes. That excited thing that fills Negan's chest every time Rick has his eyes on him beats against his ribs again, every hit making his smile more adoring. He steps closer and brushes his fingers against Rick's, closing his eyes to fully enjoy the sensation of the casual, intimate touch.

“I think I know why I fell in love with you” Rick almost whispers, a couple minutes later. “You look big and bad and scary, but actually you're like a teddy bear. Soft and gentle and caring and kind. You're so good to me, Negan, it's almost overwhelming.”

_ No, Rick, I'm none of those things. I'm just a sick bastard who lost his damn morals. _

Negan pushes the quick surge of bitterness away, letting the utter joy that Rick's words produce fill him up. He lets out a soft, blissed laugh as he leans in an inch closer.

“I couldn't not be, baby, I love you too damn much. Nothing is too good for you.”

They fall into a comfortable silence after that, both of them exuding satisfaction. The breeze is cold and pleasant on Negan's skin, who sits down near the edge, admiring the view that has Rick so fascinated. Rick follows his example, their hands join between them, and Negan dissolves into happy putty when he's hit with the fact that  _ holy damn, this thing is actually working out. _ For once there's no worry at all in his mind and he can just be one hundred percent happy to have Rick beside him.

Of course, his ever-battling emotions cannot stop, and guilt seeps in to sour his happiness just like the glee vanishes the bitterness every time it shows up.

The last time he saw Rick's family was one week before Rick woke up, when he had a supply exchange in Alexandria. Carl was doing his best and failing to not show he was completely broken, and Michonne, who greeted Negan at the gate, wasn't much better.

Negan's been jealous of her for a long, long time, bordering outright hate every time he saw her and Rick together. But just like the hatred couldn't completely vanish away the admiration he held towards her, now it can't make him shake off the weight of guilt. She deserves Rick so much more than Negan ever will. Carl deserves to have his father and Judith deserves to have him see her grow up. Rick deserves a better life than Negan, with all his luxuries and power, can offer him.

Negan never allows himself to think of the life he's taken away from all of them, but the few seconds it makes into his consciousness every now and then aren't any less heavy for it.

That's when Rick's hand settles on his shoulder, solid and comforting. Negan snaps out of it and gives his husband a questioning look, returned by Rick's concerned one.

“You don't look too great right now. Anything wrong?”

Negan shakes his head no, reassuring Rick by putting another kiss to his fingers. God, he could spend the rest of his life doing that again and again. Then, before he has time to stop himself - although he probably wouldn't have, had his mind caught up to his actions on time - he leans in and presses a quick, grateful kiss to Rick's stubbled cheek. Rick's blushing intensely when he moves away, but it's the good kind of blush, if the smile on his face is anything to go by. Encouraged, Negan goes for another kiss, this time brushing the edge of Rick’s lips with his.

Still green light, he sees. He takes a second of hesitation, then holds Rick's face between his hands. He provides Rick with the chance to move, but all the man does is part his lips a bit, breathless with what's about to happen. Negan would be outright shaking, if he wasn't so damn eager as he moves closer and presses his lips to Rick's in the lightest kiss he's given in his life.

Rick doesn't just allow him. A second later, he's deepening it and experimentally moving his lips.

Negan moans like he's dying, an outright whimper as he fervently closes his arms around Rick's form, drawing him in, pressing him as close as he'll go while his lips and tongue explore what he's dreamed about for so long.

_ Who cares for morals when I can have this? _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> em... sorry? I am. I swear. I got sidetracked. And blocked. Pls don't hate me for the delay

Negan is so highly intoxicated on Rick’s kisses that he can’t even be bothered to be disappointed when his hunger grows too high for Rick’s taste and he has to stop, having dragged him too close by the tight grip he has on his hips and snaked an arm around his neck as he deepens and deepens his kisses. Rick’s cheeks are flushed, his lips starting to be swollen, and his eyes wide when he puts his hands on Negan’s chest and softly asks him to slow down. Automatically, Negan’s beastly growls turn down into a happy purr, making his movements tentative and careful instead of consuming, and he chooses to get lost on the fact that even if he goes still, Rick will continue exploring on his own. Hesitantly and far too slowly, for sure, but he’s kissing Negan on his own free will all the same.

That simple fact is more than enough to get Negan going for years, if it comes down to that.

Sadly, the moment to part comes. Negan is glued to Rick’s side as they walk back to the latter’s room, holding his hand like it’s the only thing keeping him grounded down on Earth and smiling at him, leaning every now and then to leave a gentle kiss on his cheek. Rick’s smile when he’s finally inside his room is made even more adorable by the bright blush still clinging to his face, and it takes on an excited edge when he and Negan lean for a last peck on the lips. He says goodnight and then his door is closed. Negan’s fingers raise and linger on the door for a few moments as he licks his lips to chase the remaining taste.

Negan goes to his room and jacks off three times to the memory of Rick’s lips on his own and his body pressed against his. His free hand runs up and down his torso in warm caresses as Rick’s name continuously comes out from his lips in soft praises, before he deems himself soothed down enough to catch sleep.

As he buries his face on his pillow, the edges of wakefulness already starting to fade, it occurs to him that he and Rick haven’t discussed what this means. They probably won’t tomorrow, either. It’s alright. Negan wouldn’t want to make this too real, too fast for Rick and scare him away. He’s more than blissed to let them simply, smoothly slip into what they once supposedly had, one step at a time. Let Rick be the one to choose to give himself to Negan, down to the core.

 

 

Negan hasn’t been doing a lot of checking out how things are running, lately. He hasn’t been speaking that much to his top guys. He hasn’t been inspecting the tributes and make sure for himself they’re getting enough. He hasn’t been doing much of anything for the last five days, actually. He’s too busy being a damn happy guy for it.

Negan is on Rick’s room, lying down on his bed. Rick is lying down too, half-beside Negan, half-on top of him, his back against Negan’s chest, and he’s not complaining that Negan’s chin is settled on his shoulder or his arm snaked around his body. Negan’s hand is on Rick’s chest, holding the other’s hand, which he occasionally brings up to his lips to gingerly kiss when he’s not kissing or nuzzling Rick’s cheek or engaged in light conversation with him.

Rick hasn’t been quite so skittish about touching Negan, not since they kissed, and he hasn’t needed to have space from him that often, either, and Negan has been exploiting those facts to the fullest. Now that he’s not asked to go away, he has no reason to fight the urge to spend all of his time lingering around Rick. It just feels so damn  _ right _ , to be with him like this, that Negan will sometimes just spontaneously giggle and get a fond look from Rick.

And if finally getting the Rick-time he deserves means that he has to basically forget his duties, well, Negan finds out that he doesn’t give half a shit about running his community. A man’s gotta have his priorities straight - well, gay in this case. Simon’s a capable guy, he can handle having responsibilities shoved into those creepy long-fingered hands of his. He can complain all he wants, he’s not gonna move Negan from where he is.

Which is sandwiched between Rick Grimes and the mattress, also known as sweet fucking heaven. He wraps his other arm around Rick, tightens his hold, and traces an admittedly dumb smile as he noses at Rick’s collarbone. Rick squirms against him, momentarily setting down the book he’s reading to give Negan a raised eyebrow, and then he wriggles to change position. Which so happens to make his thigh grind on Negan’s crotch and make the hard-on he was already fighting twitch in his pants.

“Oh, baby, you’re  _ killing  _ me” he groans, sounding anything but worried about his supposed death, as he buries his face on Rick’s neck and angles his hips to let Rick become unmistakably aware of the effect he has on him. He feels Rick squirm and hears him let out a breathy gasp, and he’s grinning when he looks up at him. Negan’s struck with the breathtaking sight of Rick’s red cheeks as he bashfully looks down. Shy, slightly embarrassed, but not uncomfortable. Rick himself assured Negan that it was surprise and shyness more than discomfort, the first time this happened and Negan almost panicked, thinking Rick would freak out. Now he knows it’s cool with the man, and he can see the barest hint of the smile pulling at the corners of Rick’s lips. The little shit is fucking flattered, knowing he has this effect on Negan.

And oh god, isn’t it beautiful. Fuck Mona Lisa, Rick Grimes is the most precious work of art to ever grace Earth, Negan’s got no doubt about that.

The blush that only keeps growing makes him even more delectable. Negan’s eyes are fascinated with the way Rick brings a hand up to half-cover his face. “God, Negan.”

“Aren’t you just the cutest little thing, darling” Negan mutters, raising his hand to let his fingertips barely brush along Rick’s jaw. He tips the man’s head towards him and meets his lips, lazily moving his own against them.

Rick’s expression has softened significantly, but still, he scoffs. “And aren’t you the most pervert man I’ve met in my life.”

“Oh, but you like it, Rick! You love it now just like you loved it back then. And just as adorable, I might say. Damn, you should look at yourself.”

He expects Rick to banter with him at that, but what he does is take on a pensive expression and look ahead, absently licking his lips. “What was I like before? About… You know, this” he says, awkwardly gesturing around to Negan and himself. Negan hums and sits up a little bit.

“Well, pretty much like this, the first handful times. You can be all bravado and inspiration on the streets, but behind closed doors? You’re pretty damn shy, Rick, and not gonna lie, it’s adorable as all fuck. So yeah, you were a blushing mess that got all bashful as soon as we were alone, but then you got used to what a horny bastard I am.” Negan presses a kiss to Rick’s cheek and gives him a grin, tongue poking out and rolling his hips a few inches. “What you asking for? Thinking of taking the step to the next fucking stage? Fuck yeah, baby, I’m all for this.”

Rick doesn’t give in to the teasing - that might or might not have hid a hope that Rick will actually say yes - and instead closes his eyes, going a bit slacker against Negan.

“You know, until you told me we were married, I didn’t know I was into men. It’s something I’m still wrapping my head around, actually.”

Oh, yeah. That. Well, fuck. That’s something Negan hasn’t really allowed himself to think about, the possibility that Rick might simply not swing his way. He had put it all on the fact that Rick hated his guts, and that once the hatred thawed down all Negan would have to do would be happily saunter towards Rick and pick him up in his arms. Anything else would mean that Negan wouldn’t get what he wanted, and that was something he simply wouldn’t accept. He’s fucking Negan, after all. He’s not left wanting.

Before he can sink too deep into his broodings, though, Rick leans and puts a kiss on his lips. He smiles at a blinking Negan and lets his hand settle on the man’s thigh.

“It’s not unpleasant, just new” he assures, probably having noticed the way Negan’s mood went down. “That’s probably why I was so nervous the first time all of this happened, too. I think that once I try it I’ll probably enjoy it. But you’ll have to be extra patient with me.”

“All the patience in the world for you, baby. Fuck, I’d wait a goddamn eternity for you” Negan replies slightly breathless, partly because of the hand that’s lightly massaging his thigh, partly because of Rick’s words. “Does this mean you  _ are  _ thinking of going further?”

“Maybe” Rick answers with a teasing smirk. Negan groans his approval and his lips close on the juncture of Rick’s neck with his shoulder as his hips move some more. Rick’s bravado melts back into shyness and he squeals. “Not  _ yet _ , Negan!”

Negan laughs as he retreats, drinking in the sight of Rick, who recomposes himself the best he can. He must notice the predatory way Negan looks at him, because he clears his throat and changes subject far too quickly for Negan’s taste. He’d have loved to keep digging into just how far that blush could go.

“How are the other communities doing?”

Negan’s teasing mood gets drowned at that. His expression dies down, and while he’s not irked, per se, he’s not really happy about the question, either. It’s very far from being the first time Rick’s insisted to talk about the other communities, and he knows for a fact that it won’t be the last. Fuck, he knows far too fucking well that it’s not something Rick’s gonna just drop. He can only be kept within Negan’s clutches for so long before he starts questioning it. Rick Grimes, memories or not, soft as fuck or hardened as hell, cannot be tamed. It’s an issue that Negan will have to take care of eventually.

He raises his eyebrow in playfulness to hide his displeasure. “What’s the matter, you gonna ask to go again? You’re gonna make me fucking run out of the words, baby, I told you not yet. You’re still entitled to some more lazy ass holidays and we’re not in the tourism point with those guys just yet. It’s all boring-as-shit work over there.”

“But I wanna be  _ useful _ ” Rick complains, turning in Negan’s hold to scowl at him. “All I do is sit down all day, do nothing, and live like a king. If I can’t go outside to the communities and I can’t work in here, what am I supposed to do, huh?”

“Sit down, do nothing and live like a motherfucking king” Negan replies, voice dry before he makes himself give Rick an imploring smile. “Look, if it makes you feel better, think of it as me asking it of you rather you you being a lazy asshole, alright? You’re not, we all know that, don’t worry. It’s just that after thinking I had lost you, hell, I need to see you living the good life for a while. Will you do that for me?”

“Well, I might if you start getting your ass in movement” Rick says stubbornly, crossing his arms and pouting. “You have done basically nothing the last few days and someone’s gotta make up for it. If the boss is gonna ignore his job and laze around I’ll have to do something myself.”

His voice is pointed and disapproving, his eyebrow is raised, and he’s absolutely insolent. Such a brat. Images of Rick bent over Negan’s knee as he slaps his ass redder than fuck, fingering him too, alternating pain and pleasure until he’s got the man sobbing that he’s sorry for having disrespected him flood the man’s mind. Negan feels himself grow hard again and has to bite down on his lip to the point of actually hurt himself.

“Speaking the fuck up, aren’t we?” he muses, eyes roaming hungrily all over Rick’s face. His voice is husky, and although Rick’s cheeks get a little rosy, he doesn’t back out. Actually, he smirks and leans closer so that his lips are mere inches away from Negan’s.

“Horny again? You’ve got the libido up nonstop, huh?” he hums, breath caressing Negan’s skin oh so hotly. He leans in, presses his lips over Negan’s, and just as he’s opening them to accept Rick’s kiss, the other retreats. Negan whines and follows needily. Rick laughs and bits down on his lip in amusement. “How about this? You make yourself useful somehow and I let you do  _ things _ to me. Can’t stand having my husband be so irresponsible.”

Negan is sobered up, suddenly all seriousness as he stands up, eyes intently focused on Rick’s face, going all through it in search for any sign of hesitance.

“Are you serious here, Rick?” he asks, voice husky and lustful. “Not fucking around with me?”

Rick does falter for a second, but then his smile is back in place as cocky and teasing as before. The little shit  _ winks _ at him. “You want it and you gotta be useful. I want to try it and I want you to be useful. I think it’s a good deal for both of us.”

Negan very nearly throws himself on Rick to fuck him good and slow right then and there, the mere thought of Rick offering something like that getting him going at full speed. He stops himself long enough for worry to seep into his mood and bring it down, and the lust in his eyes is replaced by concern, even if it has problems remaining with the upper hand against Negan’s libido.

“Rick, darling, are you sure? I know I’m a thirsty bastard, but I don’t want you pushing yourself into anything you don’t want. I can wait if that’s what you need, it’s cool. Pinky fucking promise.”

“I’m sure” Rick assures, and the smile he gives Negan doesn’t have the right to be so damn sweet. Negan knows that his knees would go weak from it had he been standing. “I know you’d wait for me, but I don’t want to wait forever. I wanna try this. And if it gets too much, you’d back off, right?”

“Of fucking course I would” Negan answers, a little more gruffly than intended. It’s light enough for Rick not to mind it, and he gives Negan a pleased look.

Negan hums, lost in thought. Well, damn, talk about a laboral motivator. Suddenly the matters that he couldn’t be bothered to give a shit about are of utter-fucking-most importance. He starts running things in his head, pickups and works and organization. What does end up at the top of his mind, however, is something that nearly has him scowling.

Rick’s been wondering so much about the communities that they’re bound to drill their way into Negan’s mind, too. And there has always been a community that stands out to Negan over all the others.

It’s been a while since he was in Alexandria. He hasn’t been there since the day he told them Rick was dead. While he woke up, he didn’t go in fear that he might get weak and let them know Rick was alive, give them a hope that might as well get crushed like a flower being stepped on. And after Rick woke up, well, Negan’s had more pressing matters.

He never bothered going to the other communities, and the only reason he went to Alexandria was Rick, that’s never been a secret to anyone. But now he finds that he sort of wants to visit again, Rick or no Rick. Like it or not he’s become fond of Carl, and jealous as he might have been, what he holds towards Michonne is first and foremost respect. It’d be good, to check up how they’re dealing with Rick’s death.

It’d be good to get some fresh air, too. Negan’s getting too drunken up on Rick’s presence, and he’s this near to make a mistake. Hell, he’s just been about to jump on Rick without being sure of how ready he is. Negan can under no damn circumstances forget that this is for Rick’s sake. He’s here to be free of duties and worries, not to be jumped on.

Well, not  _ only  _ to be jumped on. Negan’s aware that he’s no selfless saint.

He nods and leans in to give Rick a slow kiss, pressing his forehead to his temple afterwards and humming happily. “You got it, baby. I’ll get shit done and then we can see about our freaky deaky. Oh, I’m so gonna rock the shit outta your world, you just wait and see. ”

 

 

 

There are no significant changes in Alexandria, Negan notes when he strolls into the place. He catches himself thinking that it’s wrong that the house walls haven’t gone gray, the grass hasn’t gone dry and the sky isn’t cloudy and rainy without Rick’s presence within the walls, as if he was the lifeforce of the place. There is, however, something depressing in the air, more fitting to a mourning community, even this long after Negan told them of Rick’s alleged death, and Negan finds himself on the verge of breaking it by chuckling at his own over-the-damn-top dramatic thoughts. That would have gotten him quite a few nasty glares, and he’s not in the mood to shot that shit down. More importantly, he doesn’t think Michonne would allow him to shot no shit down.

The woman’s taken over the duty of leading Alexandria, and she’s grim and somber, arms crossed and lips pressed tight, as she and Negan talk about the supplies, what Negan will be taking and what he will be providing to ensure Alexandria keeps itself afloat and productive. She’s silent, not saying more than she absolutely needs to, and barely making eye contact with Negan.

As it turns out, Negan gave himself more credit than he deserves. He thought he’d be a decent enough person to feel nervous about facing Rick’s in-all-but-name wife, but he finds out that he lies far too smoothly for any sort of anxiousness to slip into his attitude. He just discusses things with her, letting some of his trademark assholery show but - not too much, he can say that much about himself - and Michonne answers him by turning around as soon as they are done, ready to get away.

“Wait a moment, sweetheart” Negan calls before she can leave, and is at least decent enough to flinch and hesitate when she turns around and stares at him, eyes narrowed slightly. He rolls his neck and licks his lips. “How are you dealing?”

That is another, too. Negan thought he’d be good enough to feel guilt over what he’s doing, keeping Rick to himself, a precious treasure he doesn’t wanna share with those who need him too, but he discovers that his limited ability for guilt is reserved for Rick and no one else. He does feel concern towards Michonne, though, and he clings to that.

Michonne stares, stares, and stares. Negan begins to shake because it looks like she’s gonna answer him with a punch to the face, and fuck, he’d be lying if he said Michonne doesn’t scare the shit out of him. But in the end, she relaxes and sighs. Negan imitates the gesture.

“Good enough” she says plainly, in a voice too weak to be her, allowing her face to break around the edges only for a moment. She redirects her eyes at Negan after having let them fall to the ground, softer this time. “And you? I know it affected you more than you want anyone to know.”

Holy fucking shit, is that concern? Alright, Negan might feel some guilt now, something striking and bitter, even if only for a second.

“Good enough” he echoes with a shrug. He pulls a small smile on his lips, faint enough to look fake if that’s what she expected, and shakes his head in the direction of Rick’s former home. “Are his kids there?”

“They are. I’m not sure you should-”

“Please” Negan asks, using a much softer voice than he usually has for anyone other than his husband.  _ Please, I need to feel actual guilt over this. I need to know I’m still human, _ is what he doesn’t say. “I kind of care about the brat. I’m in love with the little angel. Please.”

He doesn’t know if he’s put enough of that desperate feeling in his words or if Michonne simply chooses to take mercy on him - he doesn’t know why she would do that, but hey, those people have surprised him more than once - but the point remains that Negan ends up walking up the stairs of Rick’s house, looking for the boy he didn’t find on the ground floor. He carefully opens the door to Judith’s room, and his heart just about melts when he finds Carl sitting on his sister’s bed, watching over her sleep with a fond expression. It takes him a moment to notice Negan, startling and standing up.

Negan is about to say something, but Carl silently hushes him and points towards the girl with his head. Negan nods in understanding, and they meet in the hallway. Carl is about to close the door, but Negan puts a hand on it to stop him from doing so, letting his gaze fall on the girl. Carl crosses his arms and scowls up at him without heat.

“I thought you weren’t gonna come around here anymore.”

“Well, shit kid. Hi to you too.”

Negan’s voice is soft enough to not risk waking the girl up. His eyes flicker between the two of Rick’s children, and when Carl seems unwilling to take up the next word, he sighs. Would have been nice for him to have some collaboration in not letting this be so damn awkward.

“How are you, kid? About your old man.”

Carl’s one eye hardens and his lips twist a bit. He huffs and looks away. “None of your business.”

Negan raises an eyebrow and clicks his tongue. “C’mon, Carl. I’m not big fucking bad Negan anymore, am I? You know I respected your dad a lot, and I respect you a lot. I just wanna know how you’re doing.”

Just like Michonne before, it takes Carl so long to answer that Negan thinks he’s simply not going to. He keeps up his broody behavior until he finally sinks, eye going to the floor and losing all the strength he had tried to carry in himself.

“I miss him” he admits, so soft that Negan can barely hear it.

Well, there it is. The motherfucking guilt is filling Negan now. He drinks it up until he drowns, because a part of him knows it’s just what he deserves. He fidgets for a moment before attempting to reach out his hand to Carl’s shoulder. The teen, however, shrugs it off and goes on before the man can acknowledge it.

“Judith’s the one who’s going through it the worst. She still asks for him every now and then and sometimes she cries at night. She thinks it’s dad every time someone walks in. If she had been awake she’d have thought you were him.”

If Negan was drowning in guilt before, now it’s so much he can barely breathe. He actually, physically has problems getting air into his lungs, and something burns like sulfur in his stomach when he looks at Judith. Judith, who needs Rick. Judith, who Rick needs and doesn’t even know of. Judith, who doesn’t have her dad because Negan’s keeping him to himself.

Carl’s words are soft, calm, with more resignation than sorrow. Still, the boy does allow Negan to put his hand on his shoulder and squeeze comfortingly.

“I’m sorry, kid” he says. Carl nods, having no idea just how much goes into those words.

And then Negan is off to the Sanctuary, where Rick is awaiting for his husband to explore his body for the first time.


	6. Chapter 6

“ _Oh, Rick_ ” Negan breathes out, voice thick and heavy and hoarse, dripping with bare lust and honey.

Rick blushes under the weight of Negan’s relentless, all-consuming attention, the redness that appears on his cheeks traveling southwards under Negan’s watchful gaze, until it disappears under the man’s clothes. Then Rick pushes his way through shyness and finally brings his fingers up to start unbuttoning said clothes, and Negan thinks he might just die on the spot.

Any thought that wasn’t Rick had been out of his mind the moment he got into the truck, and the more seconds passed, the more his hunger grew. He’d gone straight towards his husband the moment he got back to the Sanctuary, half-fearing Rick wasn’t as sure about his offer as he had seemed before. However, here they are now, with Rick and Negan on the latter’s bed - Jesus, how many times has he wanted to have Rick on his bed, surrounded by everything that’s his - and Negan salivates, sitting on the edge, as he watches Rick, on the center of it, bare himself for the man’s eyes.

Three buttons have gone off before Rick first hesitates. There is just enough for part of his skin to be reached by Negan’s eyes, but not enough for the shirt to be loose enough and really satisfy him. Negan’s eyes go from Rick’s fingers to his face and see the way self-consciousness is all over it, making him blush and almost tremble.

Lust goes away, even if only partially, and warm tenderness comes instead. Negan crawls closer to Rick, and damn, does it feel right to be there, next to him. Negan thinks that being by his side must be what Rick’s been born for. He can’t be too far off the mark, because when his hands settle over Rick’s, hot and reassuring, he immediately sees something calmer flood into the man’s face, whose blush is much more excited than nervous or embarrassed now.

Negan leans into Rick, slowly mouths and nibbles at his stubbled jawline and earlobe, breathing heavily into him, as his fingers guide Rick’s and his shirt comes off. Negan doesn’t look, not yet; instead he leaves soft, languid kisses along his neck, eyes closed and arms coming around his now naked body, tugging him close. For a few moments, all he does is breathe in Rick’s smell, take in his warmth like Negan’s body is ice, stealing away Rick’s heat like a parasite.

“You say the word, absolutely any moment at all, and we stop this” Negan assures, words heavy and resounding into Rick’s skin. His hands go up and down in slow motions, coaxing Rick to calmness. “This isn’t something you gotta do, alright? If you have doubts, I back off, simple as that. Do you hear me, Rick?”

Rick doesn’t say anything; he simply nods. Negan feels it, but still, his face parts from the man’s neck to look up at him, brow slightly furrowed.

“Give me an answer, Rick.”

“Yeah” Rick replies, nodding again. Negan’s brow furrows further.

“Yes what, Rick? C’mon, baby, I want a full answer. Are we clear?”

Rick blinks, momentarily taken aback, and Negan inwardly curses himself. He’s aware that he has a tendency to be quite bossy, and while that’s just fine most of the time, nervous as Rick is it might not be the best attitude right now. So he presses an apologetic kiss in the center of Rick’s chest, pressing his forehead to him, and then he looks up in a softer way.

“I’m sorry, Rick. I just want to be sure you know you can tell me to back off any moment and I’ll listen. You got control of this. Shit, would hate for this to become something you’re gonna regret. Would fucking kill me, Rick.”

And with that, Rick immediately melts, warmth and gratefulness - which, Negan dares to think as his heart speeds up, will soon be outright love - replacing the surprise and awkwardness. He starts caressing Negan’s hair, and the man leans into the touch desperately.

“Yeah, Negan, I get it. If something feels wrong, I’ll tell you. I know I can trust you.”

“Damn right you can.”

And with that, they come apart, but only for Negan’s eyes to finally drink in the sight of Rick’s naked chest. He starts salivating and licks his lips like only a predator can as he imagines that body dressed in the bruises and lovebites that he’s so eagerly gonna leave, and he grows hard to the point of pain when Rick starts working on his belt. Negan’s on him before he even makes the conscious decision to, hands joining Rick’s to help in the task, their eyes locked on one another’s as the belt comes loose and Negan’s hands settle firmly on Rick’s thighs, massaging softly before starting dragging the cloth down.

Rick squirms, but it’s in a good way, Negan can tell. Now that there’s only boxers on him, he sees that the blush reaches down to his chest, but that doesn’t hold his attention as much is it did a handful minutes before, because now he’s seeing the half-hard bulge making itself known through the man’s underwear. Negan reaches out and Rick doesn’t stop him when he fingers the waistband, pulling a couple times to test Rick’s reaction, and then slides the last layer down.

 _Oh sweet mercy_.

Rick’s naked. Naked and on Negan’s bed and looking at him with want and trust. Karma has made some seriously fucked up mistake, because Negan knows there’s no way in hell he deserves this, but he’s too occupied by the thought of devouring the man to care.

“Lie down, Rick.”

His voice is barely more human than a beast’s growl of dominance, and as Rick nods shyly and obeys, Negan yanks all his clothes away so hard and fast that he’d have heard fabric being ripped, had he not had his entire five senses on Rick.

Rick’s chosen to lie face-down, and Negan is buzzing with excitement as he comes to lie atop of him. He almost whimpers as his naked skin comes to touch Rick’s and he leaves a gentle, chaste kiss between the man’s shoulder blades. He feels him shiver underneath him, and encouraged, he keeps kissing, all over his shoulders and tracing a path down his back, nipping playfully every now and then, lips and tongue and fingers running everywhere they can reach.

Rick’s started moaning softly, somewhere between pleased and eager for more, and Negan grins up at him even if he can’t be seen.

“Have some patience, darling” he mutters, cheek resting on the small of Rick’s back, while his hands settles possessively on the sides of his ass. “We’re getting there, I promise.”

He’s gonna show Rick what pleasure means like he’s never known. Rick deserves it all, and Negan will make sure he has the whole world as long as he’s alive.

It’s been so easy to crack Rick open, to get him to let Negan in and take hold of his heart. It’s taken so little, only a few right words here and there and a bit of patience, and he’s got Rick spread out for him. But at the same time it’s felt so long that Negan is ready to leap in and devour him whole. And still, as much as he’s not one for self-restraint, as much as he lusts for Rick, he loves him so much more. He can’t allow himself to forget that. If this isn’t about Rick, then it’s got no point.

He’s absolutely determined to make this the best experience Rick’s ever had, he reminds himself. His own pleasure is secondary.

He kisses down and finally settles between Rick’s legs. Rick very clearly tenses up, but Negan caresses along his thighs, hushes soothingly against his skin, until he feels the man’s muscles let go of their stiffness under his hands. He places a kiss right on the point between Rick’s balls and his ass.

“How’re you feeling about this, honey? Do I get a green light here?” he asks, a vague hum, while he thumbs lightly on the soft flesh of Rick’s left cheek.

Rick makes a low noise, unclear but obviously unsure, and Negan hums. Was to be expected. Probably better, too; the easier stuff should go first. Still, he wants to get it from Rick’s mouth, so he speaks again, breath hot on Rick’s skin.

“C’mon, Rick, I just need you to say the word. This is a trust thing, huh? Don’t you think you can trust me?”

“No” Rick says, voice firm. Then he adds, hastily: “No, wait, I- Shit. I do trust you. But, huh, I’m not sure I can go there quite yet.”

“Good boy.” Negan’s voice sounds deeply pleased with Rick’s compliance, the husky rush of possessiveness on it almost overshadowing the tenderness. “I know what you meant, Rick, don’t you worry. It’s alright. We’ll just have to find another way to make your dick so happy it’ll weep, huh?”

Negan’s already got his hands on Rick’s hips as he says this, prompting him to flip around. Rick does so, half of the effort made by Negan’s eager hands, and then he’s on his back, glorious, both strong and soft body on display for Negan’s hungry gaze, and his flushed gaze looking down at him in a mix of shyness and eagerness.

He’s delicious. Negan wants to consume him, and consume him he will.

Rick’s dick is resting on his stomach, oh so tantalizing, and the way Negan licks his lips as he lowers himself is outright predatory, glittering eyes firmly on Rick’s. The man shivers under Negan’s eyes, and that’s the moment Negan chooses to make his lips meet the underside of Rick’s head, leaving a kiss that, chaste as it is, still has Rick wriggling and letting out a breathless _‘oh’_.

Negan shouldn’t be teasing, not now. But damn, he’s but a man.

Because those sounds Rick is making as Negan’s parted lips drag along his length, letting his hot breath caress him? Well, they’re about to make Negan lose his goddamn mind.

“Something wrong, darling?” Negan coos, shit-eating grin on his face as he looks up at Rick, who’s biting down on his lip with his half-lidded eyes feverishly taking him in. Negan’s got Rick’s dick held firmly, like a prize he’s proudly showing off, and when he gets nothing but a stubborn silence from Rick, his grin grows wicked. He puts Rick’s length on his soft-stubbled cheek and then he _drags it along_. It rubs on the head, and when Rick lets out a hoarse yelp and bucks his hips, all Negan does is firmly hold him down with his forearm. He grins again and goes back to it, the hair on his chin this time, and he doesn’t give a shit that it’s leaving his beard full of precome. He rubs, up and down, up and down, enough to poke his tongue out and lick the tip, and then than sinful friction again. Rick looks like he’s about to suffocate, red and chest heaving as he struggles to keep the noises down - which he’s completely failing at, by the way.

It’s not long before Negan takes some mercy on Rick. Not too much, though; he’s waited this long and now he’s gonna _taste_ the moment. Pun not intended, but there all the same, Negan thinks with a chuckle as he wraps his lips around the tip of Rick’s dick. He holds the man’s eyes, takes in the way he’s recovering his breath, and then flicks his tongue on the tip, just the tip. He does it, again and again, just the littlest tease that comes back again and again, so torturing but not enough.

That gets the noises going on again, a high-pitched whine that accompanies Rick’s thrusts. Negan winks, lifts his arms, and Rick’s hips immediately buck into his mouth. Negan moans wantonly and eagerly lets him it.

It’s no surprise that Rick’s getting there pretty damn soon; dude’s got none in quite a while, Negan’s been a little teasing bitch this far, and he’s got a wicked skilled tongue. Soon enough, Rick’s fingers are clinging to Negan’s hair as weak, shaky moans of pleasure leave his lips and his hips push as far into Negan’s mouth as they can go. Negan’s not complaining, cooing his approval around Rick’s dick as he drinks in the man’s cum, eyes closed and expression pleased.

Rick hangs in there for a moment and then he falls back onto the mattress , spent. Negan still plays with his length a bit, pressing kisses to the half-soft tip and smearing his lips with the remains of come there, which he happily licks clean. Then he decides it’s time to satisfy his other hunger and goes up, lips searching Rick’s for a messy, eager kiss.

However, when he tries to soothe the fire between his own two legs as well, grinding his groin against Rick’s legs, he’s faced with the bothersome fact that he sees an expression he doesn’t like on his partner’s face: Rick looks hesitant, biting down on his lip as his eyes go down to Negan’s throbbing and hard-as-fucking-steel dick. He frowns.

“What’s the matter, baby?” he asks, even if he already suspects the answer. “Nervous about working on me?”

“A little bit, yeah” Rick admits, shame coloring his cheeks and averting Negan’s eyes. Negan doesn’t like that. He wants Rick’s eyes on him all the time. “I just… Give me a moment, please. I just need a moment and it’ll be good.”

“It’s alright, Rick” Negan assures, trying to soothe the self-consciousness out of his lover. As if to illustrate his point, he grins relaxedly and lies back, leaving some space between the two of them as he reaches down and wraps his fingers around himself, slowly pumping up and down, dragging his thumb along the head. “If you’re not ready for this, I can just give you a show. Believe-you-me, it’s a show you’re gonna enjoy to hell and back and to hell again, and I’m not gonna be behind. Just keep your eyes on my big nice cock, honey, that’s all you need to make me a very very happy man.”

The pace of his movements is increasing by the second, but they come to a halt when Rick reaches out to place the tips of his fingers on Negan’s hand. Negan blinks at him, momentarily thrown off his game, and Rick returns a small, but sure smile.

“I don’t want you to jerk off, Negan. I want… that. I want you. I just need you to have some patience with me, alright? And be careful. Just this time.”

Rick’s voice is shy, and he’s batting his eyes at Negan, gorgeous smile on his lips. He looks like a goddamn angel, and he’s asking Negan to put his dick in his ass. How is he supposed to say no to that?

So he goes to Rick and kisses him. He kisses him, again and again as he lays him down and settles beside him. He kisses his lips as he caresses him. He kisses his body as he goes down it, happily exploring. He kisses his ass and thighs and lower back as he carefully prepares him, and he kisses his shoulder and neck and cheek and everything he can reach as he lays on top of him.

Rick’s the one who’s never done this before, the one who’s overwhelmed - it’s easy to tell, given the way he moans and trembles under Negan, arching into him like he’s afraid it’ll be too much and kill him, if he stops touching him. Still, it’s Negan who cries out loud when he pushes into Rick, slow and careful to not harm him in any way.

“Love you, Rick, love you love you love you” he whispers on his ear, an adoring mantra that he chants between one searing kiss and the next. Rick’s right there, right under him, body joined with his, and he feels so damn good. It’s too perfect. Too beautiful. It’s too much, and Negan is so utterly blissed he thinks he might actually cry.

Rick whimpers when Negan starts moving, but it’s good, he thinks, because the man soon starts moving his own hips along with Negan’s, seeking him out, and that encourages him. He never stops kissing, never stops praising, as he makes love to Rick. Rick’s a work of art, a masterpiece in every sense, and Negan enjoys him to his fullest underneath him, one hand snaked around the man’s torso, the other reaching down between his legs to pump him. Negan’s thrusts are slow, but deep, powerful, and steady, and every time he bottoms out he elicits a particularly blissed out moan out of the man. Negan wouldn’t complain if it was the only thing he got to hear the rest of his life.

It’s not long before both of them are coming, first Negan, with an utterly-wrecked sounding moan on Rick’s ear as he pushes one more time into Rick’s tight, tight heat, spilling into him; then Rick, who comes when Negan doesn’t let his orgasm stop him from keep fucking Rick in that steady rhythm. He’s got the man cumming in his hand a handful moments later.

“I love you” Negan repeats, still breathless and wrecked. He gathers Rick onto his arms and makes him settle on top of him, kissing his lips so much it’d seem like the only air he could breathe was that of Rick’s lungs.

Rick replies, something weak and fucked out that can barely be understood, but Negan hears it all the same. He outright melts from the happiness.

Rick’s said ‘I love you too.’  


 

 

Negan’s in a particularly whistly mood lately. He whistles and whistles, a happy tune never ceasing to come out of his lips as he walks around his community, peppy step and Lucille swirling around in his hand like he’s a cheerleader. He’s been insulting everyone a little bit less, and someone might say he’s even been _friendly_ , in an actually genuine, non-mocking way, if you’d believe that, to Saviors and workers alike.

Perfect. Everything’s perfect.

The workers are happy. The workers are productive. The saviors are doing what they have to without drama thrown in. The communities are on a long enough leash to not risk a revolt _and_ they’re still undeniably catering to Negan’s every want. Last time he saw the pantry twenty minutes ago it was completely full. No herds passing nearby. Everything’s running as smooth as it can get. He’s gotten a good night of sleep and is feeling up to the top with energy. His balls are empty in the most pleasant way.

And of course, the most important of all, the reason Negan’s humming to himself and encouraging everyone who crosses his path to join his tune; Rick is his, completely his. The man’s given himself to Negan, willingly, and Negan is over the clouds with that in his mind.

To be quite honest, even if everything else was going so fucking shitty that Negan had to Lucille his way through an horde of angry workers and reach his room looking like a bucket of red paint had fallen on him, he wouldn’t give a shit. He’d still be in a mood as good as the one he’s in right now. Rick’s what matters; everything else is a slight bonus, is all, so he’d just walk up to him, smear his cheek red with a kiss, and go take a shower.

It’s him he’s looking for right now, always wanting the man’s presence, always hungering for _more more more._ It was so damn hard to untangle himself from the man this morning, almost decided to let the Sanctuary run itself just so he could have a day off in bed with Rick. Even when he let Rick convince him to be productive he’s spent all morning wanting to go back to him, mind only half-put into whatever he was doing at the time. His wives - ex-wives, more accurately, but they’re still enjoying their lounging around privileges while they last, dragging Rick in more often than not - have told him Rick was gonna get a look at the marketplace, so that’s where Negan’s headed.

He opens the doors as the tune he’s whistling comes to an end, just in time for his lips to stretch back in a wide smile. The people closest immediately drop what they’re doing to kneel to him, so hard that Negan imagines their knees have got to hurt. Huh, he’s gonna have to avoid this area if he doesn’t want to fill Carson’s clinic with broken legs.

Negan walks by them, just vaguely gesturing towards them as an acknowledgement and an indication to keep working. His eyes are focused on the much more important task of locating Rick, avidly moving all over the room.

It’s not hard to find him. People kind of make space around him, a show of respect not unlike that they would do for Negan’s saviors or himself. However, the smile that’s placed on his lips the moment he sets eyes on him is replaced by a scowl almost immediately; Rick’s in front of one of the stores, having what seems to be a growingly heated argument with one of Negan’s saviors.

Negan’s behind Rick within a second. The savior is very clearly not sure what to do, seemingly focused on calming Rick down rather than confronting him - they all know Negan would put a cheese grater on their faces if they as much as scoffed Rick’s way, but they also sharply remember what Rick is capable of doing, memories or not - but Negan still gives him a very pointed warning look before he lets his hand settle on the small of Rick’s back.

“What’s the matter, darling?” he aks, all soft and sweet on Rick’s ear before his eyes narrow at the other man. “What’s this shitty asshole done, huh? Do I gotta make clear what shit goes where?”

Rick huffs, gestures first to an incredibly nervous-looking man that’s standing beside them and then to the shopkeeper, a middle-aged woman whose nerves don’t seem to be doing any better. Rick turns his eyes to Negan, scowl pronounced on his face.

“This man’s been waiting for his turn for quite a while to get some batteries, I’ve seen it. And when it’s finally his turn and he’s going to get the last of them, this guy” he grunts, gesturing again to the savior, “comes in and grabs them just like that. He hasn’t even given any points. That’s not fair, Negan. He should give them back and wait just like everyone else next time.”

Negan’s face has been slowly turning into a slight scowl as he listens to Rick. His eyes flicker to the woman in charge of the store, to the worker, and then to the savior. He’s making a expression of ‘see? Tell him to back off.’ Negan bares his teeth at him and the expression is promptly gone.

He sees the problem, he thinks with a hum. He sees where Rick is coming from. It’s what has always characterized the man, after all, that strong sense of right and wrong, even if he didn’t always follow it. Negan gets it, too. He knows he’d be bitter as fuck if he was one of the workers. It’s not how the system goes, but it’d be easy to skip the rule this one time and avoid further problems.

But he can’t set a precedent. Yeah, the workers are valuable, but the saviors are much more so. And if they’re loyal to Negan and his system it’s because said system tickles their balls the right amount of sweet. If workers start speaking up, the saviors lose their privileges, they aren’t happy, and then Negan’s got a problem.

He sighs heavily and puts his hand on Rick’s shoulder, as if trying to bring him down from his little righteous moment, back to the floor.

“Rick, let him have these damn batteries.”

He expects Rick’s face to morph into a grimace of self-righteous indignation - he¡uh, he finds he kinda misses seeing that spark of fiery violence and rebellion in the man - when he says that. However, Rick surprises him by adapting an expression of confusion and doubt.

“Why, Negan? That’s not fair.”

“Darling, listen to me. It’s a sour pill to swallow for the workers, I know, but there’s a reason the saviors have priority in this kind of thing. They’re not just gonna use it for their own personal benefit, for the hell of it” Negan lies through his teeth. “It’s for important shit, Rick. Important work here in the Sanctuary or the outposts.”

And then, the impossible happens.

Rick complies and lets the matter be.

Negan is dumbstruck as Rick apologizes to the savior for having made a fuss, not without giving a look of sympathy to the worker, and then he’s letting Negan guide him out of the hall and into the upper levels, hand on his back. His husband seems a bit uncomfortable with the way people make way for them, the gap much bigger than when he was on his own, but Negan barely registers it.

Rick’s not only given himself to Negan, in body and heart. He’s listening, he’s obeying, he’s actually, genuinely _trusting_ Negan to know better, over his own instincts. He’s basically on Negan’s hand, being played like a puppet and happy about it. Negan never thought something like this could ever happen.

It’s perfect. It’s far too perfect.

Something has to give.

It has to.


	7. Chapter 7

Negan doesn’t know if this counts as something going wrong. It’s pretty minor, a handwave away from being fixed and out of his mind. But what he does know is that it’s pissing him the fuck off anyway.

He knows something’s gonna go wrong, sooner or later. He’s not stupid, that much is pretty fucking obvious. Everything, always, ends up going wibbly wobbly at some point, and Negan’s little gamble of ‘let’s give Rick’s mind the manhandling I wanna give his body’ has been as fucking risky as it gets since second minus two. There were so many ways for it to go wrong that he spent the first few days thinking of nothing else. And so far, everything’s gone fine and fucking dandy. Much better than Negan’s wettest dreams about it.

Rick hasn’t found out that Negan’s version of events is as removed from reality as it can get. He hasn’t ended up hating him out of the trauma of Negan having replaced his ‘freshly’ lost family. He hasn’t ended up distrusting him, either, or asking for anything other than time, or deciding that he doesn’t want to pursue anything with this new husband. He’s decided to take Negan’s assholery as charm in a way very few people can or choose to do. He’s gotten along with the people surrounding Negan, including his ex-wives, and he’s blissfully unaware of all the less pretty details of how the Sanctuary works.

Most of all, he’s opened himself to Negan in such a fast, natural way. The man has been made to fucking love Negan, he’s convinced of it. They just needed to get rid of the shit between them to fall in place next to one another like they’re meant to be, and if that means Rick having amnesia, it’s worth it.

But yeah, everything’s turned out so perfect that it’s got Negan on edge, waiting for some shit to try to come between them. He’ll deal with it, of fucking course, in any way that he needs to, and preferably before it fucks up the slightest thing with Rick. Hopefully without the man even being aware of it happening at all, too.

Hey, Negan’s gotten used to shit going his way. Maybe it’s not so unrealistic to think Rick won’t ever be aware of anything Negan doesn’t want him to.

But back to the matter at hand, Negan’s still trying to decide just how much this shit ranks on his pissed off-o-meter. Pretty high, to tell the truth. Has him gritting his teeth to the point it hurts and his blood kind of boiling under his skin. But on the other hand, it’s probably nothing on the relationship-threatening-o-meter, so shitty as it is, it doesn’t get him too worried. It’s nothing he can’t fix with a snap of his fingers, too.

Someone’s gotten a crush on Rick. Someone other than Negan. And he absolutely will bash someone’s skull into a wall to death before he lets that shit fly.

It’s that guy Negan put on Rick-sitting duty back when the man acted like long exposure to Negan would poison him like he was fucking radiation. Sean, if Negan remembered right. Rick’s more than used to his new home by this point and he doesn’t need anyone looking after him anymore. Even if he did, Negan would take it upon himself. But he doesn’t, and so Negan doesn’t see why the hell Rick has decided to still bother hanging out with the guy.

Sure, the guy is nice enough, from the few times that Negan has talked to him, but he’s also kind of dull as shit - to be fair, though, that could just be Negan; someone has yet to hold his attention for more than a handful moments when Rick’s there, after all - so Negan is kind of at loss as to why Rick sees him almost every day. In any case, he will take it as speaking of Rick’s delightfully amiable and kind nature, at the very least.

The point is, Negan believes it’s genuine friendship on Rick’s end. He’s got Negan, after all, and everyone else pales in comparison. Sean, though? Hm, that’s entirely too much friendliness Negan’s seen in his face for it to be  _ only _ friendliness.

The thought of someone being stupid enough to make a move on Rick makes him so angry he wants to snap the guys’ neck with his own hands.

A bit of asking around is enough to confirm that Sean’s been known to roll around with some dudes since he came to the Sanctuary, and it would seem that Rick is just straight up his type - like he’d be any sane person’s; fair is fair.

Nah, Negan can’t blame him for getting a lil’ wee crush on Rick - after all, Negan’s own heart was basically dead and buried in cold hard concrete until Rick set his big doe eyes on him and melted it all away - but that in no damn way means he’s gonna let the little piece of shit think he has any right to try to approach Negan’s property and come out of it unscathed. Or whole.

He plans to do it discreetly, preferably with no one but those directly involved being aware of it ever happening. If Rick gets upset over his friend not wanting to hang out with him anymore - and surely he will, bless his soul - then Negan will be more than happy to offer all the comfort and company his husband needs to get it out of his head forever.

And then Negan, who’s innocently coming out to the gates to find Simon and talk about his opinion on asking the Kingdom for some of its animals so can try their hand at raising them themselves and widen what they can offer the other communities, sees something that has any thought about productivity or improvement fuck the fuck out of his head.

Rick and Sean are over there, leaning against the wall, and they’re apparently having a nice little chat. All normal so far. The difference, however, is that while Rick’s keeping his usual friendly, laid-back attitude, Negan thinks that Sean’s leaning more than usual into Negan’s husband’s space, smiling a bit too wide, and with an expression too dreamy for Negan to be comfortable with it. 

In that moment, Negan knows Sean’s fantasizing about kissing Rick.

He sees red. He lets an almost animalistic growl come out and he turns his back oh his right-hand man, who’s making his way to him. He takes long, fast steps, and he’s closed the distance in a handful of seconds. Rick doesn’t see him coming. Sean does, and his eyes widen, leaning back as if that could save his skin, paleness suddenly all over his skin.

Good, Negan thinks. Let him shit his pants, because he’s in very deep shit already.

Rick’s just realizing Negan’s presence and he’s starting to trace a smile for him when Negan reaches out, grabs the little roach by the front of his shirt and brings him in close, face mere inches from Negan’s, the man breathing promises of pain into him.

“Negan? What are you doing?”

Negan promptly ignores Rick’s words and slams Sean on the wall. He doesn’t get any fighting back. Even if he had, he wouldn’t have had any trouble; Sean’s not strong, really. He’s pathetic. Negan stares at him, long and cold and silent, while the other man trembles under his hold. He doesn’t say shit - smart move, Negan really isn’t in the mood to hear pathetic excuses and lies - but his eyes show he understands anyway. Eventually, Negan drops him and Sean breathes in relief.

“Get out of here before I tear the skin off your face” he grumbles under his breath. “Don’t ever come near him again.”

Sean pales and fucks right away like he’s got a fire on his ass. Negan still sports the face of a serial killer for a couple moments. Then he smiles. Then he turns to Rick to kiss him and is met with an indignant, furious expression. Shit.

Well, not quite as planned, huh?

“Negan, what the fuck was that?”

For a long moment, Negan considers. Then he decides to play it cool. The matter doesn’t deserve anything else, really, and it’s not like he’s done anything wrong or that he’s not entitled to. He gives an easy smile, rolls his neck, and waves the issue away with a relaxed gesture of his hand.

“I was just making sure the shithead knows not to fuck with what he shouldn’t.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“He wanted to make out with you, Rick. As you can understand, that kind of pisses the shit out of me.”

Rick blinks several times, confusion rising on his face. Negan smiles softly at him. How can his little hubby be so fucking cute?

“What? No, he didn’t. We’re friends.”

“That’s what you think, Rick” Negan says, rolling his eyes. He takes the place Sean had taken minutes earlier, leaning on the wall with one hand on his pocket, and the other goes over Rick’s shoulders and squeezes him against his body, closing the distance between them. He kisses Rick’s temple despite the man’s very clear anger. Oh, he’s so beautiful when he’s angry… Negan has kind of missed that look. “Baby, that asshole wants to be so much more than friends, believe me. I know that look.”

Rick grunts and glares, doing a half-hearted attempt to get free from under Negan’s arms and huffing when Negan refuses to let go, narrowing his eyes at him. “You don’t know that. You’re being ridiculous, Negan.”

“And you don’t know how fucking desirable you are, Rick. Call me ridiculous if you want to, but that jerk wants you. I’m not gonna pretend that bullshit’s something I’m ok with, and I shouldn’t fucking have to. Feel me, darling?”

Rick crosses his arms, stubborn as a goddamn mule, and Negan has no option but to roll his eyes again. He hates having to, but he loosens his grip on Rick when the man tries to get free again, and his generosity is rewarded with Rick only moving a few inches away, where he can better glare at his husband. Negan meets him with a raised eyebrow.

“Look, even if he had any intention of that kind, you still can’t go alpha male on him and scare him away, and you sure as hell can’t decide who I can or can’t be friends with. You know I wouldn’t cheat, don’t you?”

Rick’s voice fluctuates with hurt at that last sentence, his scowl taking on a new expressivity, and a painful urge to  _ comfort love reassure kiss protect hold _ takes over Negan, immediately drowning out any wisp of irritation he might have held. He reaches out, brushing his fingers so lightly over Rick’s cheekbones, and then draws him in to lightly perch his lips on top of Rick’s, a mere comforting touch.

“Of course I do, Rick. You’re too fucking good to ever do anything like that. I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to think that. You know I think the goddamn world of you, don’t you?”

Rick accepts Negan’s touch, responds to it, even, and his anger turns into confusion as he makes some frustrated gestures with his hands, searching Negan’s eyes. “Why do you keep treating me like a possession, then?” he asks, making Negan’s brow furrow.

“What are you talking about?”  _ It’s because you are my possession, baby _ , probably wouldn’t be an appropriate answer, accurate as it is.

“This! Going berserker when you think someone might have a thing for me. And just… having me here. Useless. You don’t let me do anything useful. And you always change subject when I tell you I want to go to the other communities or runs. What’s so wrong with wanting to be useful?”

And risk Rick getting in an accident like the one that left him a blank slate? Have him get wounded, or worse, bitten? Negan would go fucking nuts if that happened and kill himself. The thought of risking Rick has shivers running thrown his body like ice down his spine. He’d rather lock Rick up and never let him go.

And on the other hand, risk him running into someone he knew at some point? Oh, Negan would have to kill a shitton load of other people in that case to make sure Rick doesn’t get taken away, in that case, and he’d probably end up having to lock him up, too, a beautiful princess guarded by his damn big dragon of a lover. Not that the imagery is something unpleasant, but Negan would rather not have to resort to that.

So no, that’s completely off the table, thank you fucking much.

Negan crosses his arms and narrows his eyes at Rick, pursing his lips and adopting what he knows to be an A plus bitchface.

“Fuck no. Not happening, my sweetest darling. Your days doing useful shit are done. Look, you’ve done more than enough already. I know it, everyone knows it, no one’s gonna give you shit for lying back and enjoying life, dammit. I was hoping you’d just get used to it and let it drop. Just take what I’m offering you. People would kill to live like you do in exchange of nothing, for fuck’s sake.”

“Look, I get it, people might know I’m amazing and everything, but I don’t! That’s the thing, I don’t! I just… I feel useless, Negan. I feel like a parasite, getting all the good stuff in exchange of nothing, and I hate it. I wanna feel useful, don’t you get it?”

Negan does, of course he does. That’s why, when he doesn’t as much as blink at Rick’s words and his husband’s face morphs back into a mask of hurt and anger, he feels so damn bad as he watches Rick go away. But he’s not gonna change his mind. So Rick feels restless? Fucking let him be. It’ll wear down. He’d rather have Rick safe, cared for, and in his hands.

  
  
  


Negan beats Sean up, of course. Usually he would have made his guys do it, but this one’s kind of a personal matter for him, so he has no qualms getting his knuckles bloody as he grunts and insults the guy who’s under the rain of hits Negan is so generously providing. How dare he? How fucking dare he? Rick is Negan’s  _ property _ and he’s been from the very first moment he saw him. Everyone knows it. He could have let it slip with a warning and a punch if Sean didn’t know better, but he was fully aware of what he was doing.

It makes Negan’s blood become fire. Rick is his his his his his his, he thinks, accompanying every punch and every kick.

Negan’s panting and sweating and his hands hurt like a bitch by the time he’s done, but he’s grinning down at the guy lying in front of him. He should be working on the pickup tomorrow, so Negan orders for him to be taken to Carson after having two fingers removed from each hand, and then he whistles his way to his room.

Rick’s not with him that night, which pisses Negan off, but he gets it. Rick’s a proud one and a busy bee, too. Being denied the chance to do something would logically upset him, so Negan’s not gonna expect him to be his hugging pillow tonight. Instead he jacks off to the thought of his name moaned on Rick’s voice - he knows it by heart by now; he knew it by heart after the first time he heard it - and then falls asleep.

Rick will come around. He’ll have to.

Doesn’t mean Negan isn’t cranky about not having him right here, right now.

He used to survive on getting a look a little less hateful every now and then. Now he’s gotten used to getting Rick’s attention and love any time he wants it. And he wants it constantly. He’s left to scowl and bitch at the people around him while Rick plays rightfully indignant and keeps Negan away. It’s… It’s a drug. Rick’s love is a drug and Negan has allowed himself to become a junkie.

Not that that’s a problem. He’s never gonna go lacking of it.

Unless something goes awfully wrong.

Something like Carl Grimes showing up.

Negan usually makes a point to personally check out the load when his men come from Alexandria, something he doesn’t always do with other communities, if just to hear updates on how Rick’s family is doing. Usually Simon will look bored or sport a self-satisfied grin. So far, he’s never come out of the truck anxious and almost scared, squirming when he approaches his boss as if he fears he’ll be punched if he gets too close. That’s a first.

“Huh, Negan, he refused to be left behind, and, huh, I didn’t know what the hell to do with him, so… Here he is.”

Before Negan can ask Simon what exactly he’s going on about, the answer shows himself. Carl Grimes hops from one of the trucks, and even from this distance, the look in his eyes make a cold sweat break all over Negan’s skin. The sight of him leaves Negan frozen to the core, and he’s barely recovered control of himself when the teen reaches him.

“Michonne knows where I am and what I’m doing here. If I’m not back in a few hours you have a serious problem in your hands” he says, cold and no-bullshit. His one eye seems to shine like there’s a forest fire beneath it. “Where is he?”

Negan babbles, mouth idiotically opening and closing again and again with no sound coming out of it. He looks at Simon over Carl’s head, searching for any suggestion or explanation - it dawns on him; Sean. Of course. Negan should have listened to his gut and just killed him - and in the split second he does that, Carl decides he’s not gonna get an answer out of Negan. He sprints and disappears into the Sanctuary.

Negan curses so loudly he hurts his own throat and sprints right after Carl, not wasting a second. It’s not just the effort of running after so long of having all physical work left on someone else’s charge that has his lungs, all of his insides, aching like they’re rotting, far beyond dead. It’s dread. He can’t let Carl reach Rick. He can’t. If that happens, everything’s over. All he’s gotten is gonna slip from between his greedy greedy fingers and no threatening and no killing is gonna stop it.

He can’t call his men on Carl; despite everything, he still likes the kid too damn much. The commotion might bring Rick over. Kicking Carl out means having him coming back with backup. Keeping him locked up means Rick eventually happening upon him. It means Michonne bringing down her fury on him and calling Rick’s attention.

Negan’s vision turns a little bit yellow and its edges start to blur on panic. He doesn’t know what to do. Whatever the hell he thinks of doing, it ends up with him fucked up in the worst way.

Get that out. Catch the brat first, figure it out later.

But fuck, youth sure as all fuck gives a guy wings. Negan doesn’t think his students ever ran that fast, but now he knows they _ could _ . Goddamn little son of a bitches. Carl must have an idea of where he’s going, too, despite his previous question, because every turn Negan sees him make before disappearing around a corner is taking him to Rick’s room.

No.

By the time he reaches that particular hallway, breathless and with a sharp pain on his side, he sees Rick’s door open. Negan pushes any tiredness away like it is the dead themselves and rushes there, eyes wide open and shaky.

No no no.

He stops in the door, letting himself rest against it. Carl’s in front of him, still and catching his breath too. Rick is facing at both of them, but his wide eyes, accompanied by an open mouth that’s unable to make any sound and a shaking in his hands, are fixed on his son.

Maybe he’s so changed from when he was little that Rick doesn’t recognize him. Maybe Negan’s in time to snatch him away and tell Rick some bullshit excuse that-

“ _ Carl _ .”

No no no no no.

Rick’s never sounded happier than when he sobs and falls to his knees, reaching his arms out for his son, who sobs too and throws himself into his father’s arms. The sound pierces Negan, like a hand’s reached inside him and squeezed his heart, forcing out every good feeling it may hold. Rick’s never sounded quite as happy when he’s been with him. Why can’t Rick love him enough to be that happy?

Negan can’t do anything now. He can’t, physically. He feels like his skin has turned into stone, forcing him to stay still, cursing and screaming up a goddamn fucking storm in his fucking brilliant and foolproof mind.

Of course this would happen. How can he have ever believed anything else?

“ _ Carl _ ” Rick repeats, and he sounds even more broken than before. Negan wants to fucking throw up. He moves back, only to hold his son’s face in his hands. His eyes run over Carl’s now so long hair, and the look of pain and worry when they settle on his eyepatch disappears in bliss when he looks at his face as a whole again. “Oh god, Carl. I thought you were dead."

“I’m alive, dad, I promise. Dad, what are you doing here? We’ve been- God, we’ve been-”

“And your mom?” Rick interrupts, voice going high in a hysteric crescendo. “Is Lori alive too?”

Carl goes quiet, still. Negan can almost see how his mind has gone from 100 to 0 and then up to 100 again. He turns back to Negan for a moment, anger gone for a second to give Negan a glimpse of disbelief and then the first clue of understanding. Then, it’s hate. The deepest hate Negan’s ever seen.

It only lasts for a moment before the boy’s attention is back on his father, but it’s already burned on Negan’s mind forever.

“How can you not know… dad, do you… do you have amnesia?”

“The last thing I remember is being shot” Rick confirms, scowling. He looks up at Negan, confused, but he’s not enough to hold his eyes from his son for long. “Negan explained me everything when I woke up. That the world has gone to hell, how things work, that he and I are married, that-”

“He told you what?”

Carl’s voice was nothing more than a whisper, but it’s deafening like a thunder. There’s no more noise. Not even a breath. Rick looks confused, but even he seems to understand he’s said something very very wrong.

Slowly, Carl moves back. Rick stands up. Negan can’t see Carl’s face, but he can feel the waves coming off him just fine. His mouth is dry like a desert, and his skin feels like he just came out of the sea. His fingers twitch at his sides, anxious but useless.

“You’re not married to him, dad.” Again, Carl’s voice resounds and resounds, and Negan swears he can hear that whisper echoing again and again, never coming down.

_ He is. Don’t lie. He’s my husband. He’s mine. He’s always been mine and he’ll always be. He’s mine mine mine. _

“I don’t know what exactly has happened here, but he’s lied to you. You hate this man.”

Rick’s confused, blinking rapidly, mouth hanging slightly open as he takes a step back as if slapped across the face, and he gives Negan a long searching look, as if he expects to find some sort of answer to it all there. Negan’s not self-aware enough at the moment to know if his face shows that he’s shitting his pants or if he’s managing to keep a calm, dignified lie.

Rick’s voice isn’t any louder than Carl’s when he next speaks, but just like Carl’s, it doesn’t need any more volume. Must be in the genes. It’s still confused, but it’s come down a bit, like he’s starting to see pieces of a puzzle.

“Anything else I should know?”

“He used to threaten to kill others if they didn’t become his slaves. We were in that situation for a long time, too, and we’ve just begun to change that recently. He’s killed people you and I care about. He’s threatened to kill you, and he’s threatened to kill me.” Carl makes a long pause. “Do you know about Judith? She’s your daughter. Mom died when she was born. She’s home, missing you.”

Negan’s seen the warmth Rick held for him, stubbornly refusing to die, finally, slowly disappear from his eyes with each of Carl’s words, leaving them a cold, hard stone and Negan’s heart bleeding. He looks at Negan like he didn’t kiss him yesterday morning. When he hears about Judith, thought, - and Negan knows what he’s gonna do a couple seconds before Rick himself does - he charges at him with a hollow scream. Negan falls to the floor with Rick on top of him.

Not quite as fun as the last time they were on this position.

There are punches raining down on his face faster than Negan can register them or try to protect himself. At a given moment, though, they stop, and Negan opens his eyes in confusion to see. Maybe Rick’s decided he deserves a chance to- nope. He’s just got a savior pointing a gun at him.

“If you touch a hair of Rick’s hair I swear to god I’ll make you drink acid and laugh when your insides fucking melt” Negan says hoarsely after spitting out some blood. It must work, before the next thing he knows is that Rick’s back to punching him.

It’s only a handful more, and then he hears Rick’s panting, feels his weight coming off from top of him. He feels something hot and wet land on his cheek. Huh, so he’s gotten to the being spit at level? He doesn’t think he was there even back then. He must have broken a record.

“People like you” Rick pants, sounding every bit as breathless and unable to speak as Negan feels, “are better off dead.”

Negan waits for one more moment and then he shakes. A laugh, weak and throaty, comes out of him. It makes his split lip hurt, but he can’t help himself.

“I gotta admit, Rick, I fucking missed this side of you.”

He manages to stay conscious just long enough to feel Rick kicking his side on his way out.

When he wakes up on his bed, he sees the ring he gave Rick on his nightstand.

He cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So next chapter is the last one... C'mon. We all knew this wasn't gonna have a happy ending, right? Not what Negan would consider one, at least.
> 
> I'm really, really sorry if someone expected otherwise. I hope you're not too angry at me.


	8. Chapter 8

It’s been more or less three weeks since Negan lost Rick.

Heh. As if Negan hasn’t kept track of every single second that’s gone by ever since. It’s been exactly three weeks. Twenty one days since he last laid eyes on Rick, twenty one days since the last time Rick didn’t know he hates Negan, and twenty two days since the last time he touched the man he loves.

He hasn’t sent anyone to Alexandria yet. Maybe he wants to give the matter time to cool down, or maybe he’s just too fucking scared of what he’s gonna find if he does. Negan hasn’t allowed himself to dwell too deep on it. He hasn’t felt the need and so he hasn’t. No need to dig into his fucked up mind for a reason. Maybe he’s scared of what he’ll find there, too.

In any case, things have been going as usual with the rest of communities, so there’s that, at least. Alexandria must have kept this to themselves. Negan’s had the chance to not have to worry about all the other shit that could possibly go wrong in this damn shitty fucking nasty as all fuck fuck fucking hell of a fucking-

He breathes deeply. Getting worked up is gonna get him nowhere.

But yes, it’s been a while since he last had any contact with Alexandria, and yet it’s all he can think about. Alexandria and the man that’s living in it, the man that’s been stolen away from him. Negan should burn them all to the ground and take back what’s his. Except they’re the ones that have gotten back what’s theirs, what Negan had stolen from them, and a cold sweat runs through him at the thought. He fucked up, he fucked up big time and how could there be any damn possibility of Rick not hating Negan’s guts?

Rick hates him. Rick hates him. Rick hates him, and it’s breaking Negan inside. Thinking of it is gonna make him go mad, but he doesn’t want to think of anything else. He refuses to. Rick Rick Rick. Beautiful Rick, wonderful Rick. Negan misses him. When he sees him and he sees for a fact that Rick does hate him - because a little bit of him stupidly hopes that it’s not the case, and that’s the part that’s gonna suffer the most - he’s gonna want to die, but it’s all he wants. He needs to see Rick. He misses him. He misses any part of him, even if it’s just his hate.

In any case, the Sanctuary needs it. He didn’t bring all those communities into his net of resources for the hell of it. They needed the offerings, and then they needed the bertering of products. They’ve been holding on with one less community to get supplies from, but it’s throwing them off balance. The Sanctuary needs Alexandria even if Alexandria doesn’t need them back. It’s almost like Negan and Rick are personifications of the communities they lead.

He’s as excited as he’s scared when he tells Dwight and Arat to get ready.

It’s been exactly three weeks, after all. It’s pickup day. They might have spared them a couple times, but it’s not gonna happen again. No matter what’s changed, the Sanctuary is still the strongest community around. Negan is still the most powerful man around, and he’s not gonna let anyone forget that.

 

Negan tries to keep his cool and dignity when all the trucks are at the gate of Alexandria. His first instinct is to rush down the vehicle and start banging on the gate, but what kind of impression is he gonna give his Saviors and the Alexandrians if he does that? Therefore, even if it’s against what his body demands of him, he plasters a sassy grin on his face and lets his men get down before he saunters his own way to the entrance. There’s a couple guards on top of the doors, and Negan waves them a friendly hello, choosing to ignore the hateful look they’re giving him. Rude.

He chooses to ignore that one of them is Sean, too. If he acknowledges that, he’ll just have to kill him with his own bare hands, and that’s gonna do him no good. So he’ll let the worm live. For now.

Negan keeps his friendly attitude. When a long moment has gone by and he still sees no activity at the other side of the gate, though, his smile dissolves into a hard, cold glare that he directs to the guys above.

“You don’t want to make me angry” he states, matter-of-factly and sharp as a knife. “You know it will be pretty damn ugly if you do.”

“You shouldn’t be here, Negan.”

It’s not any of the guards who answers. Negan looks ahead and sees Carl’s shape against the screen that covers the gate. A dry, bitter sensation fills Negan’s mouth and he narrows his eyes in the boy’s direction. He clicks his tongue.

“How about you get that off that way so we can talk face to face, boy? That’s fucking impolite of you. I feel insulted.”

“Good, that was my intention.”

Negan closes his eyes and mutters a couple curses under his breath. Goddamn brat who ruined- cool, cool, he gotta keep his cool. Losing his nerves isn’t gonna help anyone. So opening his eyes, with his laid-back grin back on place, Negan leans back and rolls his eyes.

“Goddamn, boy! You just keep growing these balls, don’t you? For a second it felt like you’ve forgotten who’s in charge here and what happens when you disobey. But that can’t be right, can it? You’re a smart boy. You’re smarter than that.” Negan leans closer to the screen, right across where Carl is, and drops his tone. “Please, show me you are smarter than that. This doesn’t have to end in a shitfest, not today.”

For a long moment there is silence, but right before Negan sighs and decides to take some more drastic measures, the screen starts running to the right. The gate is still closed, but now Negan can see Carl’s one-eyed stink eye. Good enough for now, Negan thinks as he forces his face into a cocky grin.

“Well there, was it that hard?”

“You can’t imagine” Carl replies dryly, crossing his arms over his chest. Negan rolls his eyes. Children, they’re so stubborn.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, you hate my guts. Same old news. How about you get this gate between us out of the way too and let me have a damn pleasant stroll through this fucking fine little neighborhood you got here? I kinda miss it.”

Carl somehow manages to look even more pissed without changing anything at all about his expression. “Funny, you spent a very long time without coming pay a visit here. I wonder what’s making you so eager now.”

“Owww, son! You know that’s not fair. I had important business to take care of. Now let me pass.”

“No.”

And with that, Negan gives up on any facade of friendliness. His face morphs into a cold mask, he slips his arm through the bars, grabbing the front of Carl’s shirt, and pulls him towards him, slamming him into the metal. Negan ignores the boy’s pained, surprised gasp and closes the distance until there’s only a few inches between them.

“Let’s not play pretend, you and I” Negan whispers. “We both know why I’m here. We both know how the game goes. Let me see him or someone dies.”

“You’d be willing to get rid of all you’ve moved forward with us just for this?”

Negan only hesitates for a second. He answers steely and secure. “Damn right I would. I will burn this place to the ground with all you fuckers inside if it’s what takes to grab him. So do the fucking smart thing and let me see him, you little punk. I just wanna talk to him, for fuck’s sake. Is it that much to ask?”

Carl stares at him for a long, long moment, and Negan can’t believe this is something he actually has to think over. He grunts and presses Carl further into the bars, hoping that the increased pain will help him reach the right choice. However, before the boy has any chance of speaking, and third voice does so for him.

“It is. After what you did to me, it is.”

Negan’s head snaps towards the voice and there he is. Rick. His heart skips a beat and then makes up for it by speeding to the top of its capacity. His mouth goes dry as he takes in the sight. The first impression he has is that Rick must have recovered his memories, because he looks absolutely majestic, and Negan can’t help but admire him, painful as the thought is. He knows he probably hasn’t, but it’s hard not to think so; Rick carries himself tall and proud, eyes steely and resolute, his walk is marked by confidence, and he doesn’t as much as flinch when his eyes make contact with Negan’s. Wearing that blue shirt of his, it’s like Negan is talking to the Rick he first fell in love with, the one that promised to kill Negan and intended to make good on his words.

He looks like a god, ready to lay judgement on Negan. He should be scared, but by the time Rick is across him at the gate, Negan feels nothing but fascination.

“Let go of my son, Negan.”

Negan blinks a couple times and then he remembers that right, he’s got Carl in a less than comfortable position. He hastily releases the teen, who steps back, directing his angry, narrowed eyes at him. Negan, however, has eyes for Rick only. The man holds his gaze for a long moment, not as much as blinking, before he gives a barely noticeable nod and moves to open the gate.

“Dad, are you sure?”

“It’s alright, Carl. Go make sure his men don’t take more than they’re supposed to.”

In another circumstances, Negan would have voiced his indignation that his honesty is being doubted, but at the moment he’s far too occupied thinking of Rick to bother. He puts on a charming grin and walks up to Rick until he’s within a palm from him. He doesn’t let the cold, unemotional look he’s getting back discourage him. He tries to reach out for Rick, and just when he’s about to take the man’s hand in his own - he can already feel the soft skin on his own and it makes goosebumps run through all the way up to the base of his nape - Rick roughly steps back and turns away.

“Let’s go somewhere more discreet” he grunts as an explanation, and then he’s off. Negan wastes no time going after him.

They end up in the porch of one of Alexandria’s empty houses, away from the more busy zone. Rick finally faces - glares - him again, leaning his back on the closed door and crossing his arms.

“Why are you here?”

Negan chooses to ignore the cutting tone. “Wow, Rick, I didn’t expect such a warm-”

“Cut the shit, Negan. Why are you here?”

Negan freezes mid-dramatic, grin still on his face. After a long moment of recovering from the bucket of ice-cold water just turned over him - he’d been expecting it, but that hasn’t made him any more ready - he sighs. He brings his arms down and rolls his shoulders, for once just himself and not some exaggerated character.

“I missed you.”

“How tragic. I didn’t.”

He’s outright spitting out his words, like talking to Negan at all turns anything he says into poison. Negan winces. It wouldn’t hurt him to have some mercy on Negan, would it?

It’s getting harder and harder to keep his carefree attitude. He can already feel it cracking at the edges, his smirk shaky at best as he tilts his head and bends his knees, leaning back for a moment. Don’t break. Be firm. Show him how certain you are. Because you’re right.

He chuckles lightly under his breath. “Don’t be dramatic, baby, that’s my job. We both know that’s a filthy lie. You love me.”

Immediately, Rick’s eyes narrow and he snarls. He marches up to Negan until there’s mere inches between them, and although Negan would love to lean in and steal a kiss, he fears Rick might rip his tongue off with his teeth. The shorter of the two of them as he may be, Rick somehow manages to make Negan feel like he’s towering over him.

“What the hell would you know, _baby_?”

“I know fucking plenty, _baby_. I’ve had you melting into me, remember? You love me and you love being with me and oh, you sure as hell love being fucked by me. We both know it.”

“I loved a lie. The man I loved? The man I thought I knew? He doesn’t exist. There’s only you. Only Negan. And I could never love Negan. All you could do is fool me into thinking you’re a completely different person than you are and now I feel fucking awful because I actually miss someone that never existed. Isn’t that pathetic?” Rick gives a dry, mirthless laugh. He then looks pensive, so lost in thought he seems almost void of hate. “You know who I did love? Glenn and Abraham.”

Now Negan definitely feels something cold as the iceberg that sank the Titanic show up in the core of his being. He very nearly chokes on his own saliva and he has to fight back the urge to step back. He’s not gonna give in so easily.

Stay composed. Be firm.

He tilts his head, eyes narrowed, and his efforts to keep the grimace off his face are useless. “You’ve been remembering things. How fucking amazing is that.”

“Nothing concrete” Rick admits, sighing in defeat. He sags and looks down when he does so, and Negan realizes that he hasn’t been breathing quite right while Rick’s had his eyes on him. “Just some flashes. It’s not much, but it’s more than I had at the Sanctuary. I guess being somewhere I used to be familiar with helps. But it’s mostly what others tell me. That’s how I know I loved them. I loved them and I can’t even remember them.”

Negan slowly frowns, irritation seeping into his face. “Hold your goddamn horses right there, cowboy. I don’t like the tone you’re taking, not a single fucking bit. You’re speaking as if I was to blame for you losing your memory. Hell, you know for a fact that I’m a shitty enough person that it’d cross my mind, if I could, but I can’t. You got your dome hit hard, you were most likely gonna die, and I was simply making sure you were gonna make it before giving your family false hope. Then you woke up and you were this wide-eyed, innocent babe and I couldn’t help myself. I made a mistake. But I didn’t look for it.”

Rick makes a double take, complete incredulity for a moment, without space for even a hint of anger. “A mistake? You call what you did a fucking _mistake_ ?”

And alright, Negan’s got enough decency left in him to know the only appropriate response to that is look down, chastised. He does. He hopes Rick notices it, even if that shouldn’t be the point at all.

Negan chooses to change the subject. He coughs awkwardly and shoves his hands onto his pockets, rolling his shoulders, then his hips. He points at Rick with his chin, then moves his head along, signaling at the whole place.

“In any case, you don’t remember this place, then. You settling in fine?”

“You care?”

“I care a fuckton lot.”

Rick huffs and crosses his arms. He looks like he’s resigned to this conversation going on, by now. Hey, at least he doesn’t look ready to tear Negan’s neck apart any moment. “I’m having my troubles. But my son is here. People I feel comfortable with. My daughter is here, Negan, my daughter. I have a daughter and I spent all that time without knowing she even existed. I’m still getting to know her and she’s already helping me.”

Negan flinches. He’s got enough decency in him to be ashamed of that, too. “I’m sorry” he mutters.

“I’m sure you are.”

Negan chooses to ignore this last subject. Looks like ignoring shit is becoming a pattern today. “And Michonne? How’re things going with her? Are you two…?”

“We’re working on it” Rick grunts, cutting. Negan gets the memo; Rick doesn’t want that asked. Probably going worse than he wants Negan to know, then. Good. “We’re getting there. Why the fuck do you keep asking about me, anyway? It’s none of your business. Leave me alone.”

He gets that memo too. He’s sick of Negan poking around and he’s gonna break his nose again if he keeps doing it.

But Negan’s not so easily scared away. He’s a sucker for pain, anyway. Specially Rick-branded pain.

Some distance has grown between them while they talked, and Negan doesn’t like it one bit. With a feral smirk, so very clearly showing that Negan’s very fucking much not in the mood to smile, he closes it again. He tries to raise his hand to cup Rick’s chin, but the man slaps it away. Negan doesn’t let it discourage him.

“That’s where you’re wrong, honey. It is my business. _You_ are my business. I care about you. I love you.”

“You’re obsessed, Negan. It’s different. You don’t love me. I don’t think you even know what love is. Love is good, not… Not that sick shit you did. If you loved me you wouldn’t have lied to me, you wouldn’t have kept me from the people I love, from the people that need me and I need them back. You would have treated me like I have a right to decide about myself and not just assume you know what’s best for me. You treated me like a toy, you took advantage of me when I couldn’t know better. That’s not love, that’s… It’s being a psycho. You scare the shit out of me, Negan. Right now, all I want to do is run away and hide until you’re gone because I don’t have the guts to face you after what you’ve done. I’m never gonna forget what you’ve done to me. I’m never gonna forgive you for it. Rot in hell, for all I care.”

Despite his words, Rick’s face doesn’t show a single bit of fear. He’s resolute, he’s fiery, and he’s righteously angry. In fact, it’s Negan who has to take a step back, as if the heat in Rick’s words had taken physical form and punched him in the face, one by one. It almost feels like that actually happened, if the red he feels in his face is any indication - Shame? Frustration? Anger? The sheer effort of trying not to break down and beg?

Eventually, though, Negan manages to school his expression into cool control. He smirks. He leans. He lets his tongue show and runs it through his teeth. He raises his hand and pokes a finger out.

“Give me a kiss.” Rick becomes indignant within a second. Negan interrupts him before he can even start insulting him. “Just a single one. Only a kiss, literally just a kiss. No meaning attached to it, no compromise, no shit. Just my lips on yours. Alexandria gets all the Sanctuary has brought for the exchange and you only have to give us half of it. Just for a kiss. It means nothing. What’s the fucking harm?”

Negan sees the gears turning in Rick’s brain, and although he looks like he’s doubting, Negan’s already singing victory in his head. He hums to himself and relaxes, letting his shoulders fall. Just a bit more encouraging…

“It’s a good deal, Rick, and it stands as long as you wanna take it. It’s fucking brilliant for you. Feel like doing it one day? Do it. Don’t feel like it? Well, shit, then don’t fucking do it. The chance’s gonna still be there next time. It’s always gonna be there, Rick, and you have my word on that. Cross my heart and hope to fucking die. Think about it, honey, you keep half of it. Think of the difference that will make in the long run. You’re a leader. You know it’s good. You know it’s a fucking small price.”

Simon’s so not gonna be happy about it. But hey, they can make do with half of it. The rest was just a security blanket, anyway, just there to comfort them and tell them they won’t go into need. They’ll build it up some other way sooner or later.

Rick still doesn’t seem all that convinced. He’s got his arms crossed, he’s nibbling on his lip, and fuck, would Negan kill for the chance to lick that lip. He awaits expectantly for the answer.

“I.. I’m not a leader anymore.”

“The shit you aren’t. It’s part of who you are, Rick. You know what’s the right choice, so do what’s best for your people and give me a goddamn kiss.”

Rick nods slowly. Then, as if afraid of giving Negan time to take any sort of control over the situation, he comes close enough, grabs Negan’s face, and slams his lips into him. Negan starts to moan, but before he can allow himself to get lost into it - of god he’s missed it he’s missed it he’s missed it, it feels so right, he’s not aching anymore, oh no he isn’t, all feels right again, oh god Rick I love you so much - Rick pulls back.

He looks kind of nauseated. Negan’s too busy grinning to be bothered by it. Not the best kiss, but he can let it slide. He’ll get a better one next time. He knows there’ll be a next one.

“There you go. Wasn’t that difficult, now was it?”

Rick’s face gives him the answer. Still, Negan keeps his good mood.

A kiss. A kiss. It’s not much. It’s not nearly enough. It means nothing - it does for him, but he knows it’s meaningless to Rick, and that makes it meaningless where it matters - but it’s what he’s got. He’s sure as hell gonna cling to it.

“Goodbye, Negan” Rick mutters ten minutes later, when they’re back at the gate. His voice sounds dry and hoarse. Cold. Negan’s men are getting the cargo into the trucks, and the only thing left is for Negan to join them.

Negan hums. He gotta remind himself today was a victory, in its own particular way. It’s not that hard to make himself smile. “It was good while it lasted, wasn’t it, Rick?”

Rick’s face is completely cold. Negan can almost feel his desire to see him go away. “It’s better now than it ever was with you.”

Negan laughs. He whistles. Hide the pain, Negan, hide it. He leans forward, chuckling.

“Aren’t you fucking cold, baby? Just give me some time, I’m gonna melt you down all over again. Don’t forget it, Rick, we’re made for one another. You better mark my fucking words.”

Rick doesn’t look all that convinced, and before he has the chance to give some scathing remark that would hurt Negan much more than he’d let the man see, he turns around and marches onto the truck.

He will get Rick back. He will. He has to.

They’re made for each other. They are.

Negan will keep trying until the day he dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... the final chapter. It's been quite a ride, at least for me. I'm aware that for many of you this isn't the end you were expecting, and I really, really, really am sorry if it's sat bad with you. I didn't intend at any point for this to upset anyone. Of it has, I apologize. I really do. I have other stories, some already made, others still being worked on, that will have a happier note. I promise.  
> And for who has enjoyed... All I can say is thank you for having made it here with me. Means the world to me. Thank you so so so much <3


End file.
